Sleepless Night

So it's 4:39 a.m. and I can't sleep again. Ughhh, this is one of those times I really hate being bipolar... it seems we all are cursed with sleep issues.

I actually got the balls up to write George a letter explaining what happened to me this past summer when I wrote that strange email. I also wanted to express my sympathy over... well, I'm not quite sure yet but something bad happened. I don't really know why I try to be civil towards him except I am beginning to understand that is just the type of person I am. Forgive, forgive, forgive. You can blame my mother for that. :P ;)

I wish I could go back in time though and handle things differently, even though I know I couldn't even if I tried. Bipolar disorder is a wiley friend to have along for the ride.

I just said a prayer to God on behalf of this all. I am hoping that prayer gets answered soon.

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Life Goes On

I have literally worked my butt off this past week and I have absolutely loved every second of it. I am so happy that for once I'm really being challenged by my job. And what a challenge it is - so far I've brought work home every day I worked this past week and have a pile to do this weekend as well. My days are spent scurrying back and forth between helping to run the web design and photography business and running the InPalatka website. I'm learning a lot as I go and am also realizing how much I've forgotten in my several year long hiatus from web design and graphic design. It's definitely a roller coaster crash course I'm on now!

Brennan's 3rd birthday party was great even though he didn't have a full blown party. He got a ton of gifts, his favorites being a Disney Cars themed bicycle we got him and a wooden train set we also got him. He is growing up so fast and learning new words by the minute. He's still very active but at least now he's easier to communicate with.

David and I have also now been married for three years. It's amazing how time has flew by. We still bicker from time to time but things have gotten a lot easier between us over the years. Sometimes when I get to feeling ungrateful I need to remind myself that this man has tolerated way more out of me than any guy ever has and he's also the only one that has allowed me the complete and total freedom to be myself... which to my understanding means he truly loves me. ;) Either way we have two very strong personalities that I know are bound to clash from time to time.

I'm feeling a little reminiscent at the moment so please bear with me.

I remember a time when someone told me they felt the need to parent me because I couldn't take care of myself. What's so interesting to me about that is that a. I believed it at the time and b. that same person ended up being the one who showed me how capable I really am. Uncanny isn't it? I'm sure they meant to show me how much I needed them but it had the exact opposite effect.

And now not only have I shown I'm fully capable of taking care of myself but that I'm fully capable of caring for a family on top of that. It blows me away to fully realize that. I have taken care of not one but three people. Amazing.

And had you asked me about it five years ago I wouldn't have had a clue I would be where I am today. I felt that I was the stupid, shy, weak girl in the corner that always got pushed to the side and/or ignored. I never questioned if maybe my problems laid in the company I kept at the time more than they did in me.

I'm proud of myself. I've came a long way to become what I would consider to be a successful human being. By that I don't mean financial wealth so much as being capable and demonstrating the ability to rise above a bad situation. I have become a strong woman at last. :)

It feels like right now I'm getting a lot of old prayers answered.. perhaps God is playing catch up. ;) Or perhaps He simply saw it was time for His will to be done (which is far more likely).

But I think the greatest thing of all is that I can finally relax. Relaxing is something that has not come naturally to me and now I find that few problems are actually worth getting upset about. God takes care of me so why fear?

I think perhaps the fear factor sank in when I was little and saw no way out. But now days I realize more and more with each passing day what a big world it is, how much there is to do, and how much freedom I really have and have always had. The only person at the end of the day trapping me was me, because I allowed others to control me.

Growing up is interesting. :)

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Sweetness

Sinking in to sweet uncertainty

There's more beneath the skin than she will ever show

More drama than she could ever know

She closes her eyes and lets out a deep ridden sigh

This existence... this sweetness...

Will not be concerned with her

It will not be concerned with her

No, not at all... what is it all for?

Again and again...

Again!

Closes the door....

Silence so sweet is a silence unheard

The unsung song of a fragile young bird

Voice struggles, the rope wraps around her throat

A young girl I wish I could find

Another one of our kind

Another soul lost

Another life that is left seeping away at the seams

While we all lay asleep wrapped gently in our dreams

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Birthdays & Websites

Wow. So much has happened since I wrote here last.

Brennan's 3rd birthday was this past weekend along with Easter. He got a bunch of stuff for his birthday, his favorite being a Disney Cars themed tricycle. Oddly enough he was scared of his Disney Cars themed birthday cake because he thought the birthday candle was a firecracker! He eventually calmed down though and dove happily in to his piece of cake. :)

I am also now working as an administrative assistant to a web designer and photographer. I really love it so far and I am learning so much about the business. In the mean time I've been promoted to editor of InPalatka.com, a local news magazine website that focuses on putting a positive spin on the news. It's a lot of responsibility to take up in one day but I feel that I am up for the challenge! My boss is completely awesome... an easy going guy with a lot of ideas, knowledge, and enthusiasm. I hope to learn a lot from him.

Yesterday we reported on two events - a local truck show and a trucking accident. I felt a little lost having not done any reporting since high school but I think I did pretty good for it being my first shot in years.

Anyways, that's all for now. I have to get ready for work. :)
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No Treats From Obama





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God's Love

"When God loves a creature he wants the creature to know the highest happiness and the deepest misery. He wants him to know all that being alive can bring. That is his best gift. There is no happiness save in understanding the whole."

Thornton Wilder


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Freedom of Choice

As human beings, we are endowed with freedom of choice, and we cannot shuffle off our responsibility upon the shoulders of God or nature. We must shoulder it ourselves. It is our responsibility.

Arnold Toynbee

Freedom of choice. Seems so simple, doesn't it? But how many of us really feel like we have complete freedom of choice in our lives? Probably not many.

However, I do think that freedom of choice comes with great responsibility. I mean, you have to be sure what you're doing is right, right? Otherwise you'll burn and crash. So I figure it's somewhat good that we lack a certain freedom of choice sometimes in our lives - it's kind of like an auto pilot that keeps us safe and sound for a little while.


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So we think Brennan may be ADHD...

We're really starting to become concerned that Brennan has ADHD. He doesn't listen & never calms down. He has a hard time sitting still for any amount of time at all. He also has a hard time paying attention to anything for any length of time. He's still young, so we're unsure. However, people have noticed and made comments about it.

We are going to get him tested for it as soon as he turns 3 (which is this month). We are not going to put him on any medication if it turns out he is ADHD, though. Not unless it starts interfering with his ability to learn in school.

 


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>Good News :)

>I have a lot of great things to report. David got a landscaping job. I have been offered an apprenticeship in photography and web design. And today we got a touch screen all in one PC, yay! It's an Acer Z3101.



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