>my mind keeps turning

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So it's 4:38 a.m. and I can't sleep. Too busy thinking. This happens sometimes... my body screams for sleep but my mind just won't call it quits. I don't know if it's part of being bipolar or not but when it happens it drives me crazy.

The other day I was surprised to discover that for some odd reason, George still feels it's necessary to lie to me about trivial crap that doesn't even make a difference in the big picture. When I approached him about that $600 electric bill he told me that he had told me many times before he sold that house right after I left. 

A. I know for a fact he was still living there after I became pregnant with Brennan
B. He unknowingly called Melissa a liar - she told me about a year back they were renting the house out
C. He just announced on his Facebook in January that he was selling the house! A little late on that announcement if he already sold it, don't you think?
D. He didn't even start to claim he sold it until I was post partum

The only reason I can come up with for him lying about it in the first place is that perhaps he was trying to make me feel discouraged so I wouldn't bother following through on filing a report with the police. Obviously he thinks I'm the same as I was back then - a weakling with no self confidence that wouldn't stand up for herself. 

He was wrong. I'm currently in the process of obtaining the police report from when he locked me out (which should include the fact I came back and gathered my things and left) along with the first electric bill I received once I moved back to FL (required by the electric company). As soon as I receive them I'm filing an identity theft report with the police and am turning in that as well to the electric company. It only helps that the house was in his name and not mine. I do hope he doesn't think selling the place is going to keep them from figuring out who really should be getting that bill.

David and I have been having issues, which is honestly nothing really new. I wonder sometimes how we manage to stick together despite all the arguments. Is this love? I can't tell... there are times I feel like he doesn't love me and I'm sure the feeling is mutual vice versa. I would be able to cope better if it wasn't for the self esteem eroding insults he likes to use. He says that there's nothing wrong with this - in his mind he's being honest and that's all that matters. I have to admit I have been tempted to start returning similar insults towards him but I believe that would be lowering myself. I guess I can at least be thankful the arguments are not nearly as intense as some of the ones I've had with past significant others. I also know that a lot of this probably has to do with our situation. We are around each other 24/7, never getting a break from each other, and as if that isn't bad enough we also never get a break from Brennan so doing something romantic is pretty much next to impossible. There's financial issues as well which don't help. He's unable to find work and I'm not only waiting for a disability hearing for Social Security but am also on a medically necessary hiatus from college. The only thing that is keeping us going right now is donating plasma, which thankfully I receive a decent amount of cash for because I have a rare blood type. 

Brennan is growing like crazy and it's amazing to see how much he learns in just the span of a day. He's about half way through potty training now - he pees and poops in his potty on his own but hasn't gotten used to underwear vs. a diaper yet. I'm happy to say that potty training hasn't taken much effort on our part - in fact it went a lot quicker once we backed off and started letting him take the lead. We just put his potty in an accessible area and allow him to run around naked. When he uses it he gets praised and when he has an accident we show him the potty and explain he needs to use that. Thankfully when he is in a diaper he keeps it on now - there was a period during which he was constantly taking it off and making a mess. I think using the potty has been a huge influence on him keeping his diaper on when he wears one. 

There's a lot of hype surrounding potty training that I now realize makes it a lot more complicated for parents than it needs to be. Relax. Just make sure your kid knows about it and wait for him or her to use it when he or she is ready. Your child is not going to want to wear diapers forever. They naturally want to be like a grown up... let that be their inspiration. Nature knows what she's doing even if you don't. ;)

I have to admit I've been a bit of a recluse since my ordeal this past summer. I don't think I've written anything about that yet. It's pretty embarrassing for me. I experienced my first full blown psychosis driven mania - and if that isn't bad enough I got involved with a hobbyist "therapist" that messed me up even more. Looking back I wonder at how I could be so dumb as to trust a hobbyist with my mind... I was pretty desperate at the time though. My counselor wasn't helping at all and voices were driving me insane. I didn't like taking meds and got in to my head that hypnosis was the answer to permanent recovery. To be fair, this guy didn't realize when he started working with me that I knew how to self hypnotize (neither did I for that matter). I got locked so deep in to a hypnotic state that I couldn't find my way back out to reality. The lack of sleep from mania didn't help any with that either. It took two weeks in a mental hospital for me to start coming back to the real world. The experience was very traumatic. I ran out of my apartment one day and chased a biker down the street. The cops saw me and I threw myself at them thinking I was saved. I was saved all right - they attacked me. I was frightened and fought so they wrestled me down to the ground until I was restrained. In the process my shirt came off and I was thrown in the back of a cop car half naked. I was then put in restraints and taken to the hospital where several invasive procedures were forced upon me. No one explained to me what was going on, that I had been Baker Acted. The police and nurses alike made fun of me to my face. At the mental hospital the staff wasn't any better. It wasn't until a few days prior to my release that I found out where I was and why I was there. Prior to that I thought that perhaps I was trapped in this building forever, that we all were trapped. 

Interestingly enough while I was "crazy" my brother became fascinated with my story. He insists to this day that I should write a book about my experiences. I don't know if I ever will be able to. There's too much to tell and a lot I can't really explain. I wrote about it while it was happening but paranoia drove me to tear it all up and wash it down the drain (I didn't trust the garbage).

Anyways, now that I've been in a reclusive state for so long, I don't really know how to make a comeback. Honestly life has seemed so different since all that went down - I feel totally disillusioned. 

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