>We got this skateboard for Boogie right before he hit 2. He can already "walk" the skateboard and even flip it a little. We might have a skater on our hands, just like his daddy, lol.

This is my "mini sanctuary". It includes the Serenity Prayer as well as scriptural quotes from Col. 3:14, 1 Peter 1:22, and some other scriptures about the value of faith. I think the oil warmer adds a nice fragrant touch. And it sits right in the cubby hole of my headboard for easy morning and night time access. :)

This was definitely a priceless shot of Boogie and his daddy goofing off together.

And if God can make all things new, shouldn't I, someone in His image, be able to make some things new as well? I painted my grandfather's "art box" purple and painted a few things that would have made him turn over in his grave if he had one.


Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...Someone has seen the Shining Man before.

Life seems to be a never ending learning process, but I don't mind. I watch myself grow and change and look behind... there are so many that have stopped growing, stopped changing. So many that think they have done all the growth and change they need to do. But that is what makes life worth living. Why live your life stuck in a rut, stuck in one routine type of systematic thought without any spirit, energy, emotion, heart?

I spent 26 years of my life stuck in a glass box.

The glass is cracking. The fog is clearing. I'm beginning to see, really see.

We are two now. We tell our names to no one but those we trust. And we cooperate. We don't fight. We just become one on the outside while still sharing our "secrets" on the inside.

I have done most of the apologies I will ever need to give to people from my past. Most accepted with joy and understanding. Some with more serious sins on their plate rebuked me. But the only rebuke I fear now is that of God, which I know now... it probably will never happen. He loves me just as I am, and He is working to change me, to heal me up so I can finally be free to be me and no one else, me and no one's slave, me and no one's broken doll.

There are those that take advantage of people like me. And I pray for them, I pray for us all. The light. Stay with the "special" light. It will never lead you wrong. For some it burns but for those that have found themselves sinned against so much that they could not recover... it welcomes. It shows secrets that lead you to the Shining Man.

I no longer care if Mr. Sociopath calls me crazy. I no longer care if Miss Brainwashed calls me stupid. No self respecting person of any denomination would dream of inflicting such horrors on a newborn, and ESPECIALLY no REAL Christian as Miss Brainwashed claims to be.

You can either live in sin and allow it to ruin your family for yet another generation or you can change and grow by repenting, asking forgiveness, asking redemption, and gaining salvation. Something I'm pretty darned sure neither of these people have ever came close to finishing (one I doubt ever even started).

Regardless of whether or not DCF will take any action, I'm sure they are going to have plenty of issues with Johnny getting in trouble in school and possibly someday imprisoned all because Daddy thought it would be cute to use cult programming tactics on his son from birth onwards to create a Mr. Sociopath Jr.

I have no doubt in my mind he knows this is exactly what he is doing. He's too intelligent NOT to know. But again, like I've said before, a sociopath has no true conscience and very little genuine emotion. It's not their fault but unfortunately this disorder makes one so pleased with their "power" over others that they will rarely, RARELY ever step foot in a therapist's office, much less in a genuine manner.

Maybe guys like this one don't know how to be genuine. I don't know. *shrugs* I'm no psychologist.

But I do know this much. Sin corrupts from the inside out. That means we doom ourselves and everyone around us that isn't true to Christ. There's judgment, but that seems like a second chance more than anything else and way more hardcore of an experience than just finding salvation while we live.

I want to say thank you to a very special Bible scholar that has been helping me find my way to freedom from the bonds of my traumatic childhood. This man has treated me with so much love and understanding and... he has the fruits, he really does. I hope to have them myself one day. I know ranting about the ex doesn't quite make it, lol. But wow this guy has to drag everyone in to everything he does. I reached out to him the best I could while still split up in to many different alters, and he dragged his girlfriend in to the discussion with her asking me if I was stupid. And I don't remember all I said... remember, I'm like 5 different people at this time... but I do remember saying something to the effect of I'm calling DCF like I should have in the first place. I figured if I'm nuts DCF will reject it and everything will be ok on my conscience as a... well, a mother. A real, live, breathing mother. I cannot imagine showing my child horror films from birth on up. Or having him play with fake weapons in a crib. I personally know what it's like to have adults show you horrific things in your youngest years. It's part of what made me multiple. And my family has really paid for everything while having to deal with some version of me calling them at all hours at night ranting about some misjustice done years and years ago. That's why I say, you, your family, Mr. Sociopath, will pay in the end when your child finally remembers. I know there was a traumatic birth. And no, I don't have to deal with your blog to know that. *taps head* She had it rough, didn't she? Long and hard... I could see she was stressed to the point of absolute psychosis while she was pregnant in the communication she had with me. There's something seriously wrong when a woman starts going in to deluded rants about imagined offenses in an email that's just asking her to pass on the message that I was sick of her boyfriend or his friends obsessing over my blog (27 hits in one day).

*sighs* Yeah, I'm venting. But I'm at least protecting names on this, which is quite an improvement from the 17 year old "online journalist" I used to be at the encouragement of my then boyfriend Mr. Sociopath.

Either way, I know one thing. I made the right choice about something even though it meant me sinning. Because the Bible does say that those who force the well intentioned "sheep" to sin have a fate much worse. I could not bring children in the world knowing already what his plan was for his offspring. He has done everything so far he used to "joke" about, and I'm horrified by the fact the mother just stands by and watches and even DEFENDS this behavior. I wonder who broke this woman so badly that she doesn't even have the heart to protect her children. Maybe her ex husband. It's pretty obvious she did not go through counseling, and also kind of obvious Mr. Sociopath picked her up at her most vulnerable. Interesting how he always picks up his girlfriends when they're weak and never when they are strong.

Anyways, enough of that. I think I said enough to make quite a bit of reading, lol. I forgive myself for that, though. It's healthy to really get these things out and work through them until one reaches resolution and peace, even if that must be achieved alone.

I speak in truth, and that is not wrong. I may not know the best communication yet, but I am learning. He is leading the way.

At least I have finally found my "Voice" again.

I talk to everyone I meet now in some way or another. Some people I have nice conversations with, others just an exchanged nod. With every bit of this I am thrilled that I am finally beginning to connect with people, PEOPLE, just plain out miscellaneous people.

Progress. We are two now. The originals. And no, we will never speak our names to anyone out here. That is our special secret.

And we have finally got the final formulas for our hair and skin care line we think. *crosses fingers*


>I want to know what good inner peace and salvation does you when you have a husband that thinks "watching our son" involves tuning him out while he makes a mess. Or that tells you that you shouldn't have used a glass bowl after your son breaks it when it's the ONLY clean bowl in the house because your husband can't seem to manage to keep up with dishes, the one real responsibility he has right now besides trash and helping with our son.

I'm getting angrier and angrier. I am working hard and finding time to play, too. I have turned our place around in less than a week. But he can't manage to keep up with dishes enough for us to have any dishes at all. No plates, no bowls, no cups, etc.

Forgive me Lord for the sins that live in my heart and please cleanse this anger from me so I may deal with this in a righteous manner. Amen.


>A forest with a brook running through. Noisy brook. Fresh water; clean water. Special water.

A man walks by that brook. A very special man that glows with a very special light. Skipping stones. Dusty feet. Long, tangled hair.

He tells me I have a pure heart, a faithful heart. I am surprised to hear this. But I thought I strayed... ?

He was walking beside me the entire time. He was showing me things the entire time. But I trusted a man with a serpent's tongue. The lion. The tree. The sky. The special system. All from Him. But the man did not believe, so I reluctantly followed.

How was I still faithful?

I remembered. I did not trust completely. We all kept store of exactly what happened. And we found our way. Not only that, we dug for proof despite the reassurance that this man gave that he was true.

And he would have never been able to pass through this special door. This was reserved for us.

We have not seen a shining man yet. But we have at least seen the human one. And we love what we have heard and seen.

I have showed thee new things, even hidden things, and thou didst not know them.
Issiah 48:6

Ellis Skollfield has probably changed my life forever. For the better. :) Thank you so much.


>I’ll find the things they say just can’t be found

Upside Down

The flower is starting to REALLY bloom. :)

Tonight I’m taking a bit of a break from the meditation music to listen to some old favorites like Jars of Clay.

I’ve been staying busy organizing, going through stuff, and tossing out anything I don’t use/never will use. I’ve also been busy turning my home in to a mini sanctuary rather than just trying to “decorate” it.

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs

Jack Johnson


The family is not very fond of me right now, but for the first time in my life, I don’t care. I have never stopped letting my love be known to them and considering the absolute mess I have been through on their behalf I think the very least they owe me is the time to heal and find out who “I” am.

I need to have some fun in my life! Some peace! Some happiness! Some time to think of myself and do what I want to do!

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. 

Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism

I’m writing again. Even writing for profit, woot! ;) Painting and sketching again also. I have regained a lot of old talents. Unfortunately though it seems math will always be a problem area for me, even though I understand the symbology just fine. Actually, that plus lack of schooling on math may be the reason why I have such problems with it.

Ah well, we can’t be perfect at everything, lol. I’m just going to keep working at my hair care formulas right now. That is what makes me happy.


>Love is a temporary madness

St. Augustine Lighthouse Ink OutlineImage by lionpro2006 via Flickr

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine



>Wow. Remind me never to post again while listening to meditation music. That was one really long post. *chuckles*

Ahhh, nice to be writing again though at least.


>Finding God on Earth

>It's strange how as I get closer to full integration, I am seeing things with a lot more clarity.

I think that MPD might be a sort of blessing in disguise. Not many people get to sort through the pieces of their past through hypnosis and only pick up the pieces that fit who they are while offering up all the bad memories to the Higher Power on Earth.

I really love finding the innocence and serenity I never really got to have as a child. I really love learning the lessons I never got to learn from a severely abusive and dysfunctional family. And I adore the adventure in it all. I'm rediscovering my creative side in a whole new light that really is just old light I had long forgotten about because it was never "allowed" in my family.

I wish my family would support my endeavor to finally break free from the system that they all know has messed us up pretty badly. But unfortunately they are more concerned with keeping me under their control.

I thank God every day that even though I am having to ditch "friends" left and right, I have one friend that lays beside me right now that really knows what the Light is all about. Boogie. My "angel" on earth. And yes, sometimes a "devil" too, LOL. But at least he is innocent... at least he cares... at least he somewhat listens and always, always learns.

His father has done some real damage in the past month to us both developmentally. Poor Boogie is acting like some crazed child with severe ADHD and his room looks absolutely horrible. I don't even think I would keep a pet in his room with the condition it has been allowed to degrade to (which is why he's sleeping with me tonight). And unfortunately, his father also could not keep his hands off "my girls" and downright manipulated the one that used to pray every day that he was happy and safe after he left school just to... well, you know. It's made me realize a lot about the nature of our past relationships. He's never actually fell in love with any version of the real me. He's always wanted the fakes, the programmed women that just serve his interests and his alone. And he doesn't seem to realize that while his son is indeed two years old, that's exactly why he needs a schedule laid out for him and activities that help him learn his way around the world (not just ones that are a lot of fun). He needs a clean room even though he loves to color on the walls and tear up books. And he needs a lot of attention so he doesn't do things like that; not anger, not punishment. He needs love, structure, balance, resolve, honesty, integrity, and well, the list could go on and on but I think the point here is made.

It's rough trying to build a good family for your child when your definition of good family stretches far beyond any available belief system and goes straight to the heart.

Children really are from God. And this little "angel on earth" has taught me so much about how the things I tolerate are going to be the things he lives with and learns. I'm a "strong warrior mother" though and I will carry on as always, pushing and praying to get my son the kind of family he really and truly DESERVES. But this time, I did at least find that I brought a few friends to help me figure out what that kind of family is like.

There's a nice peace in knowing also that I am finally on the right path. The CORRECT one, that is, not just another one. And also peace in finally knowing that none of what I have gone through has ever actually been my fault.

A good example. Let's look at the sociopath in SC who's wife had the nerve to call me stupid for recommending a good therapist for him because he was cult programming his baby son with horror movies. Ummm... actually, I said all I really need to right there. He's cult programming his baby with horror movies. Hey, that creates people like me! And he knows it I'm sure. But he doesn't know... the end part of the MPD story...

We remember. We heal from all damages inflicted. And when we remember, we tend to do it with a vengeance. Mother's hearts get broken from their children abandoning their controlling/dismissive ways. Fathers get yelled and screamed at for months for being "the devil in human form". When a broken doll gets healed and finally becomes a real live person, that person tends to want to break the same people that broke them to begin with.

No, it's not right. But it is a good example of how God actually works through the MPD system. You may get away with it now, but just wait. Just wait until that creature from God realizes he or she has been missing God because of your evil nature and refusal to allow them to find their own way to Him on earth. It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. Especially if they start to remember before they get in to hypnosis or if (God forbid) you interfere with the integration process before it's complete.

The other day, I went to the house in Fair Play while under hypnosis. My therapist wanted me to make it look better for the self left there. I said, "There's no way to make this place better for her. There's no way at all. This entire house is falling apart and it's nothing but bad memories of abuse. Let's just take her away from here and destroy the house so it never returns to haunt her memory." And that's exactly what we did. We sent all the dead pets that were "accidentally" killed straight to Heaven and cleaned up their spilled blood, as well. Every single puppy. Zebulin. Chii & Herbert. All of them.

And I remembered something while I was there. How he said it was bad and I would freak out but it "wasn't that bad and could be repaired." Looking back now with my older adult mind I realize that was always a lie. And also that the only reason why he wanted me there was to help him, never because he actually wanted a real, equal partner relationship. He claims that now but you only have to take one look to see how untrue that is. His girlfriend is just like his best friend. His followers. His worshippers. She claims they have mutual respect but as far as I can tell, she just lets him do whatever he wants and never questions anything. It kind of reminds me of myself at one time before I... well. MPD like I said is a blessing in disguise. You can abuse the heck out of someone with this disorder, brain wash them, manipulate them, make them completely forget who they were before. But eventually they will switch, and all the hard work you put in to erasing their personality will disappear in to the untouched void of their mind, never to return again unless otherwise needed.

But she doesn't have that same advantage. So she's on her own completely. I doubt she will ever wake up, at least not until their kids are grown and she's wondering why her children have so many problems in life. But by then it will probably be too late. I know this from my own family. By the time the kids get grown, the wife (assuming she doesn't have MPD) will be so used to the dysfunctional system she'll defend it, even if it means hurting her kids even more.

But I need not really think about these things right now. I just have to live one day at a time, enjoying my time to discover who I really am inside beyond all the beliefs that others have tried to push on me my entire life.

I am going to be free soon. Really free. And I can't wait to see what real living feels like for those who know already how to connect with God on earth so they don't have to follow any belief systems but their own.


>To the sociopath that thinks he's smarter than God

>It never fails to amaze me how DCF will snap up bogus child abuse reports with no problem, but should someone actually try to report a real case of abuse, DCF makes it a pain in the butt to actually get a report filed.

What a useless waste of tax money. DCF may no longer be HRS but that doesn't mean they have changed for the better. It seems like instead of changing for the better they have changed for the worse. It's impossible to get through their phone system and a phone system is pretty much all they have now. No real live people you can talk to, at all.

*sighs* Sorry little ones. You are stuck on your own when it comes to this country people want to still call "America". This is what you can expect:

No help from the government with getting out of an abusive environment
Intimidation from the government on any reports made, even by you
Disbelief from schools and psychiatric clinics and well, people in general
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that quickly escalates in to dissociative disorders thanks to the lack of real help
Lack of trust in anyone
"Slavery" to a dysfunctional family belief system

But on the upside, there's always Multiple Personality Disorder, which protects children from feeling the full consequences of abuse until they are old enough to handle the memories. And man, is that one big explosion when they finally figure out they have other people inside that remember and can tell them exactly how you screwed them up, from birth on up.

So to those of you who think you can cult program your kids in to serial killers...

God always gets the "last laugh" when it comes to his creations. So go ahead. Have fun. And wait to see what happens. In about 30 years you are going to find out how exactly God gets that "last laugh at your expense". When there is trauma, God always puts an "angel" inside to protect.


>There was a girl that fell from a star...

Country Roads IA new path to freedom
Living life with honor, balance, simplicity, love, patience, and peace.

That is what I'm doing at the moment. I really enjoy this person I am becoming. It seems more like me but a me from a long time ago, lol.

There is a lot of nasty stuff in the world, and it seems that I've seen the worst of it without even knowing I did.

And well... the majority of my family has ditched me, but strangely enough, I feel a little more at peace not having to try to live up to their "standards".

I have unfortunately also seen how wrong a lot of people in this country seem to be. This is not really the country that was described in the Constitution any more. Far, far, FAR from it.

*smiles* I could have ruled the world. ;) But I gave it up for this little girl inside... that's who I want to be, the real me.