>unchartered terrain

>David did something today that almost made me cry. He gave me a Blackberry Curve, roses, and a sweet card telling me how much he appreciated my love and support. He told me that it was a thank you gift for helping him out when ever he really needed it.

No one has ever done that before. Not that no one has ever given me a thank you gift, but no one has ever done it in that kind of context. Come to think of it, he's the only person that has ever even bothered to attempt pay me back money that he "borrowed" from me or that replaced anything of mine that he had broken. Usually it's "I can't afford to pay you back" or "you owe me for everything I've done for you" or "you don't deserve to be paid back" and "I'm sorry". No responsibility taken for one's own words and actions, no appreciation or respect for me. The closest I've ever gotten is the ever popular "I'm sorry" gift that's supposed to buy back my forgiveness whether I want it or not.

So... we are making progress. I still acknowledge that it may be an "I'm sorry" gift in a new disguise as old behavioral patterns die hard. But I recognize the progress that it requires to think of such a gift in the first place.

I think reality is starting to hit him hard now that he's found out that I possibly may have been sexually abused when I was younger. I say possibly because I have no real memory of it. I just know that I have grown up displaying all of the symptoms and feeling all of the emotions that they say survivors go through. I have a good idea of who and there's a lot of hints at it that I can recall but I just can't remember the abuse itself if it ever happened. Right now I'm going back and forth trying to figure out if it really happened or if all of these symptoms are due to something else. I've been through everything else, though, and the idea alone that it happened opens up such a torrent of confused emotions that I'm inclined to believe it really did happen and I have somehow blocked it out so well I can't even recall it when I try to. I feel it, though, and have always felt it as far back as I can remember even though I just didn't know how to describe the emotion and felt shamed by it and blamed myself for it. And now... I know I have to bring this up to my counselor, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. It was all I could do just to tell David about it. I don't like talking about it. It gives me the creeps, and I'm scared people will see me differently if they know. For some reason I feel like I told someone about it a long time ago and they didn't believe me.

Anyways, I know eventually I will fess up. I probably need for this to get a little less "raw" before I try talking to my counselor about it. Just thank God I have a Xanex prescription to help prevent the inevitable panick attacks.
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>the reincarnation

>
Evening Sun.
An angel crashes
Feathers all abound
And burns
Down to grey ash on the ground
An angel once cast from heaven
Is now reborn
Awaiting her grand return
The eternal phoenix
As the master has created
The virgin Venusian mother smiles again
A new creation awakes with the sun
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>breaking some ground

>
Wedding
I have made a few realizations lately in regards to my last post.

Rather than just sit back and judge these guys, my curiosity got the best of me and I went to several popular webcam "hook up" chats and waited for guys to message me. Rather than engage in any sexual behavior with them though I just simply conversed with them about why they were there. I was very open about why I was there, answering my own questions after they had answered them, and this seemed to put them more at ease so they disclosed more about themselves (I have a way with drawing people out of themselves... it has something to do with being an INFP).

I realized that most of the guys in my age group aren't really looking for just a way to get off and feed an addiction, but usually are single or have problems with their spouse consenting to minor sexual exploration. I also realized that most of them were not looking for young women but women around their own age, probably because of the difference in mental and emotional maturity and the ability to relate to life. My interactions with them left me realizing that I actually have a lot going for me and it is through no lack of my own that he is, for lack of a better word, sick. It also left me with the realization there really are a lot of decent men out there that appreciate women for their minds and not just their bodies.

I also realized that while many of the guys I know in real life do this, the majority of them I would not even begin to date because I sense they are behaviorally challenged. So that leaves the question as to why I still ended up dating so many guys that did this without even realizing at the beginning that they did.

At first, this really puzzled me. In order for me to fall for guys that objectify women, it means that I have to have been raised in an environment where women were objectified. While I was raised in a very old fashioned women-are-women-men-are-men environment, I could not recall any objectification of women in the form of simply appreciating them for their bodies.

Then it clicked with me. My grandfather hated women. He loved the female form in an artistic sense (sketches, paintings, etc.) so I didn't really catch on to the connection between that and loving the female form in a sexual sense. But if that were flipped with loving women's bodies in a sexual sense, it would fit the bill perfectly because he also despised their personalities, which is successfully objectifying them (worthless personality/desirable object that can be manipulated). He also cheated on my grandmother a lot, although it was way before I came in to the picture and no one told me about until I was in my late teens.

Anyways, this brings me to sniff out guys that have a wonderful appreciation for the female form (i.e. sexual desire) but have little desire to actually connect with a female emotionally/mentally (i.e. form a real relationship).

I think I just broke some ground here. :)
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>death pangs

>It feels so strange being philosophically single again, especially when I feel like he's going on like nothing ever happened and I find myself sitting here stumped on how I could ever bring myself to so much as flirt with a guy, much less date one.

I don't really want to date anyone, and I don't really want flirt around. Any urges I get to do that are mere urges to get revenge, which I refuse to succumb to. Partially because I am morally against it and partially because I don't really think he would care enough to make the effort worth it. He doesn't care if I cheat on him any more than he cares if his cheating hurts me and as time goes by I think more and more that he's really just with me for Brennan's sake and not because he actually wants to be with me any more. It's like he doesn't see how serious his behavior is, he just sees how I react to it and can't stand me on account of it, which drives him to do it more.

I do think this problem existed before I came along. I think I just so happened to come along at around the same time he gained access to a new way of expressing it - his laptop - so he was able to keep it a secret for way longer than he would have by any other normal means. I'm beginning to feel like I distrust computers and trust them more all at the same time. I distrust them because they fool people in to thinking it's okay just as long as they're not doing it in real life, and I trust them because they more than anything else bring out the "monsters" that exist in some people. I've had to fight my own demons that have been exposed by the internet, so I can relate. Where I stop relating is where people either don't want to see or refuse to see their demons for what they are - problems that need to be cast out i.e. resolved in order to live a happy, peaceful, fulfilled life.

Anyways, he has to learn this on his own. I can't help him and I've done all I can do. I hope that he works through this. I'm slowly giving up on the hope that he is still in love with me. It's more realistically looking like he just doesn't want to rock the boat for Boogie. 

And part of me is beginning to not care any more. Yes, the depression is creeping in. Can it not be expected? I've been fighting it, but eventually it is going to have to play its part out. I feel unworthy of love again. I feel like I am never going to find someone that honestly loves me. I feel like I am somehow damaged beyond any hope or repair. I feel too ugly. I feel too old. I feel too used. Like some sort of toothless old whore.

And David has all the pretty, teenage, fresh girls he wants. There's a bias in society... women always want older men... no one wants older women. A guy can be a total jerk off at 40 years old and get teenage girls throwing themselves at him, but a perfectly wonderful 40 year old woman can't even get guys her own age to look at her. 

It's a very dark time to be female. 
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>we are done

>So it looks like I'm facing the beginning of the end of my first marriage. I can't say that it was all for nothing, though, as I have learned a wealth of information that will help me in future romantic endeavors.

Right now it's just going to be separation with a drawn out custody and child support plan. If that doesn't work we will move on to actually getting a divorce. I'm trying to avoid the actual divorce for right now as they are messy and expensive. Best to settle things out of court if at all possible.

I know I will be okay, but that doesn't stop me from feeling heart broken at the moment. I didn't want this. I love him dearly... but the man I fell in love with is not the man I'm married to. The man I'm married to abuses me, cheats on me, and uses me. The guy I fell in love with wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to the people he really cares about. Which means that either a. he doesn't care about me any more or b. he's not the same guy any more. Either way, if I don't get out now, he's going to drag us ALL under, and for Brennan's sake at least I can NOT let that happen. Right now I have a means to care for us and put a roof over our heads. If I keep at it with him though that won't last very long, if at all. I've already came dangerously close to it not lasting at all - he's borrowed $720 in the past month alone, which is more than he makes in a month off unemployment. He's been paying me back by handing over almost his complete unemployment check, which means while I'm getting the money paid back I'm having to shell it right back out to take care of him and Brennan since he is now unable to financially care for himself or help with Brennan. Gahhhh.

Anyways, I don't really know where I am at this point. I'm just trying to keep my head above the water and not think too much about what on earth the future is going to look like. Any single moms out there know what I'm talking about. There's that big cloud that looms over your head asking if you will ever be "dateable" again or if you and your child are going to be doomed to a single parent household. The way I feel right now though is any guy who has a problem with me being a mother is not a guy I would EVER want to date and I would much rather be a single parent than deal with ANY of this crap EVER again. I am done dealing with dysfunctional male drama...  Lord knows I got plenty of that with George among others. It's about time I stopped being Miss Fix It for these lost souls and just focused on myself. I'm never going to gain their acceptance much less their genuine love through my own effort. I cannot blame myself for being unable to mend what someone else has broken. I cannot blame them for being unable to mend what they often do not even see as being broken. The most I can do is make sure that I'm no longer broken and maybe someday find someone who isn't broken either.

What a ride.
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>out for a walk part 3

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>out for a walk part 2

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>out for a walk part 1

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>sippin on some juice in the hood

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Just a snapshot my mom took of Brennan while we were out.

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