>more insights

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Critical Parent Ego State - The Critical Parent ES is that network that has recorded on it all of the childhood messages of parents and other authority figures -- in other words an Introject.


Many of the messages were assimilated (accepted as part of self)... "look both ways before you cross the street". Others were "taken in" but not assimilated (introjects) because they created limitations and barriers to intimacy..."don't talk, don't trust, don't feel".

These are also known as Internalizer and an Externalizer but we tend to fall closer to one end of the continuum than the other.

Internalizers tend to turn their critical parent messages inward to create (Introjection) and perpetuate what we know as low self-esteem and negative self-talk.

Externalizers turn their CP messages outward (Projection) to create and perpetuate what we know as grandiosity or narcissism. These characteristics of self-centeredness (aka "Big Ego") are created by the psychological defense mechanism of reaction formation.

Angry/Defiant Child Ego State - The Angry/Defiant Child is the network that developed somewhere in the modeling period between 9 and 13 years old...usually closer to 12 or 13. It's the part of us that learns to resist and endure abusive, hurtful behavior from others.


If we grew up in a family where expressions of anger or defiance were strictly prohibited, it was important to repress our Angry/Defiant Child ego state. Another term for this is disowning a part of ourself.

Repressing our Angry Child frequently results in the polarizing effect of strengthening our Vulnerable Child -- another reaction formation.

With a Pronounced Vulnerable Child and a Repressed Angry/Defiant Child it becomes difficult, it not almost impossible, to set healthy boundaries and protect ourselves -- our anger helps us set our boundaries so we can maintain our separateness or autonomy.

Vulnerable Child Ego State - The Vulnerable Child is the network that developed during the the imprint period -- 1 to 7 years old...usually between 3 and 6 years old.


If we grew up in a family where tears, crying, and other expressions of vulnerability were prohibited then we had to learn to repress, or disown, our Vulnerable Child ego state.

Repressing our Vulnerable Child frequently results in the polarizing effect of strengthening our Angry/Defiant Child -- again, a reaction formation.

With a Pronounced Angry/Defiant Child and a Repressed Vulnerable Child it becomes difficult to feel compassion and empathy for others -- Our ability to be vulnerable allows us to let the walls down so we can connect emotionally to others in a healthy way.

Psychological Defense Mechanisms & Ego States

Digging in even deeper...

My Critical Parent messages are internalized. I'm guessing the other person's Critical Parent messages are externalized. I can definitely vouch for my Angry/Defiant Child being repressed during my teenage years, which causes the Vunerable Child to come more to the front. To my understanding this person had to instead repress their Vunerable Child, causing the Angry/Defiant Child to be pushed more towards the front.

These roles also fit in nicely with the roles in the drama triangle.
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>I know where I went wrong now

>I know exactly what happened now and what I could have done to keep from enabling the situation.

I remember the actual point where I stopped giving myself positive self talk and fell back in to my old attitudes. I just need to get a stronger hold on that and hold on to it through thick and thin.

As for the drama triangle, this person was playing the persecutor role, and more specifically, the angry/defiant child role in which they blame others for the way they feel. I was of course in the victim role. I started out as the defender but switched.

And interestingly enough, the positive self talk wasn't all that strong at the moment that I said what I did and blocked them, either. I was sick so I was mostly just feeling miserable, and it's rather tough for me to do the positive self talk when I'm sick. I've been working on it but after a week of this junk it's gotten pretty weak.


Probably the best thing to have done would have been to just block them and not say anything at all. While that may have not neutralized the situation, it would have at least bought me some time to figure out how to approach the situation and them some time to chill out. Also, I need to start locking my doors as soon as someone starts to rage even if they are on the phone or online just to prevent the rager from doing the typical rager thing by busting in someone's home because in the middle of a rage they think they have every right to.

Most importantly, though, I could have nipped this situation in the bud by recognizing and acting on the fact that this person displayed the same kind of dysfunctional behavior that I have a habit of enabling. I remember telling someone when my therapy started that I had a funny feeling I would eventually end up having to end my friendship with this person because I realized back then that they demonstrated the same kind of behavior I was beginning to learn was like an infectious disease that you need to avoid. So basically, I recognized back then that it was going to happen, but I didn't act on it by going ahead and cutting things off.

It's strange - the twists and bends our minds can take. It makes one wonder how behavioral experts ever figured things out as well as they have.

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>my first real relapse

>I relapsed tonight. It made me realize how important it is, especially in early recovery, for a codependent to cut themselves off from any dysfunctional relationships that are in their lives.

Rage is an ugly thing. It drives people to give up everything good in their lives just for the sake of letting their anger out. Then one day they realize that all that is left is their anger because their anger has driven out friends, family, jobs, spiritual beliefs, self love, and everything else that should make life enjoyable to live. What's further is absolutely nothing can be solved once someone is starting to rage, and very often there is nothing that can be done to stop them from raging at you. In this case the involved person barged in to my home to threaten the lives of me and my family after I blocked them on messenger for showing an absolute disregard for my personal rights and health and implying that it was rude of me to take my own rights and health in to consideration over their demands.

It is so very important that one learns to identify ragers and avoid them at all costs.

Tonight I am spending my time re-reading some concepts on Internet of the Mind such as drama triangles, enabling, and mind games. While I can cut off the dysfunctional relationships that are close to me, I realize I am going to encounter dysfunctional situations every where and I need to strengthen my ability to neutralize the beginning of drama rather than enabling its escalation. Saying "f*** you" before blocking someone on messenger probably is not the right way to neutralize the situation. ;)

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>further adventures in the strange world of Windows 7

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Image representing Windows as depicted in Crun...Image via CrunchBase

I've spent a few days now on Windows 7.

First and foremost, I was a little disappointed to discover Windows 7 doesn't do much better on my machine than Windows Vista did. I'm hoping that acquiring a solid state hard drive in my second hard drive bay and installing Windows 7 to it will give a some better boot and shut down times. I have however found that program start up and graphics are a lot smoother than they were on Windows Vista, which is a bit of a relief with certain programs like Microsoft Word 2007 that used to take a little bit of time to start up. Now programs are pretty even the Microsoft Office suite items are pretty snappy on their start .

I especially like the layout of Windows 7... in some ways. As per usual, Microsoft has moved around and renamed some important advanced configuration options such as what used to be network connection settings and is now called adapter settings. The actual user interface is a lot nicer though. I'm especially impressed with the way multiple programs are that running is handled now. Programs in the system tray are now nicely w.

Programs in the running in the system tray are now nicely tucked away in a separate menu:




Everything that's open in the task bar is now represented by an icon rather than the actual name of the program. Hovering over the icon brings up a list a list of thumbnails representing the different windows that are open under that program:




You can also pin frequently used programs to the task bar. Clicking on them opens them, and any further windows opened underneath underneath them will also appear in the thumb nails:




This is the frequently used documents/folders list. If you open any directories, they will appear under this button's thumb nails:





Aereo Snap is quite useful as well. I found myself using it last night to research Borderline Personality Disorder and write an essay on the symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment of it at the same time:




The thing I really love about this is that you don't have to resize What windows to accomplish the side-by-side trick and within just a few clicks you can put them back at full or a (just move click on the window border and drag the window to the furthest top right or left corner of the screen) click and drag to the center of top center of the screen you can have your windows back to being full screen.

Getting connected to a new network isn't nearly as much of a pain as it was in Vista in Windows 7 as it was in Windows Vista either. Instead of having to open a new window to view the available networks, you can click on the network icon to get a drop down menu of the available networks along with your connection status:



As for networking, I did have an issue with the Intel PRO wireless card driver for Windows 7 on my HP Pavillion DV7-2180US. It connected (sometimes) but I either could instant message and not browse or could not get any form of internet access at all. Uninstalling the Windows 7 driver and reinstalling the Windows Vista driver seems to have solved this issue.

So, overall, now I am running pretty good on Windows 7. It wasn't nearly what was expected, but when is any Microsoft product like that? Either way, it IS an improvement over Windows Vista, albeit not as large of an improvement in my case as has been reported in others. My guess is that I'm either being bottle necked by my current hard drive or my hardware is already so fast that I'm just not going to see it get much faster on Windows 7 like others have with their hardware.







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>Windows 7 upgrade... what a headache!

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Image representing Hewlett-Packard as depicted...Image via CrunchBase
Do not, I repeat, do not upgrade to Windows 7. For the love of God and all that is holy, do a clean install. I don't know if it will make things any better, but it's got to be better than the upgrade experience I just went through.

24 hours and I am just now getting some functionality out of my computer again.

First of all, the upgrade from Vista required during installation that I restart the computer something like 6 times. This would have been fine if those 6 restarts weren't spread out over a period of like 12 hours. Silly me thought once the install started I could go to bed and wake up in the morning to some configuration options and new OS. Wrong.

Once I finally had it installed, I tried installing the HP drivers. Unfortunately it seemed that my DVD drive was not working. So I hopped online... well, tried to hop online. Unfortunately the Wifi was not working either. After downloading the drivers from a different computer and reinstalling them a few times, I got them to start working. The next problem though was that it took around 20 loading attempts to get the HP drivers disc to be recognized. Once it was recognized it shut off the monitor during the video card install and started beeping repeatedly like what you experience when you hold a key down for too long or have multiple error windows popping up.

Sheesh, what a headache.

Looks like my Behavioral Science essay that was due tonight is going to be running a day late. :P

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>Thanksgiving Day pics too! V.2

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>Thanksgiving Day pics too!

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>Thanksgiving Day pics

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>breaking through

>I'm transferring to a new school in January. It's a Christian college and I am so excited to be starting there! The staff are really friendly, laid back, and caring. Nothing like the college I'm going to now.

I also hurt my jammed finger even more today by popping it while cleaning Brennan's stroller. Now it bends back and forth sideways. I currently have it in a splint until I can see a specialist about all the ligament damage. I'm doing pretty well touch typing with three fingers on one hand, LOL.

Brennan and I went to see Daddy today. It was really nice and we had a lot of fun. Daddy has had some revelations and I am really hoping that he keeps up the good work and continues to press forward towards recovery. I am really proud of him right now. He's overcame the biggest hurdle to recovery - denial. That is a really big accomplishment in itself... most people go their entire lives never budging from their denial enough to even begin to consider getting help. Overcoming that hurdle alone indicates there is real hope for a complete recovery.

I am one very lucky and blessed woman. Not only because I have been able to break the cycle and make leaps and bounds in my own personal recovery, but also because I just so happened to marry someone that is in that small percentage of people that are capable of breaking through their denial. There's hope for this family yet. :)
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>I see a cheese!

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>My personal bill of rights

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A family posing for a group photo socializes t...Image via Wikipedia

  1. I have a right to all those good times that I have longed for all these years and didn’t get.
  2. I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now — not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.
  3. I have a right to relax and have fun in a nonalcoholic and nondestructive way.
  4. I have a right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.
  5. I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.
  6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making” behavior of parents, of siblings, and of others.
  7. I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.
  8. I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.
  9. I have a right to “mess up”; to make mistakes, to “blow it”, to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.
  10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.
  11. I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
  12. I have a right to all my feelings.
  13. I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.
  14. I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically.
  15. I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a safe time and place.
  16. I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.
  17. I have a right to sort out the bill of goods my parents sold me — to take the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.
  18. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents' prescribed philosophy of life.
  19. I have a right to carve out my place in this world.
  20. I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life the way I want to, and not wait until my alcoholic parent gets well, gets happy, seeks help, or admits there is a problem.

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>Some pics from my vacation I forgot to post...

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>My silly little man goofing off around the house...

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>A birthday gift from the heart

>Things have been looking up a lot. I feel like just in the past couple of weeks my life has suddenly made an amazing spiral down followed by an even more amazing upswing. Just in time for my birthday.

I'm going to give a present to you, however. It's called http://the-internet-mind.com. Just read around some, and see if you can relate. If you can, it may prove to be life changing.

This is no hoax. It's real psychology, the exact same stuff that I'm learning about in college. Only it's explained to you in several different formats so that you can find the one that you can relate to. Instead of using those concepts to turn your look outwards towards others, you learn to use those same concepts to turn your look inwards. It's self-help in its absolute purest form. Important, complex psychological concepts are not watered down and relabeled like you find in may self-help tools.

I don't know how many people I know now are struggling with things like anger problems and depression. Some of these people don't even initially seem to have these problems because many of us have been conditioned to ignore them. The latch key kid generation may very well be an entire generation of internalizers and externalizers.

Additionally, everyone's family has some amount of dysfunction while they are growing up. A lot of people don't know how to properly challenge these issues and resolve them as adults. We simply don't teach basic psychological concepts to our children that let them know how to listen to and self assess themselves and their environment. These are important concepts to know because they are the core concepts that allow us to become healthy, happy adults. And since we can't become healthy, happy adults we can't teach our kids how to become that way. It gets passed on and on through generations of families without anyone even realizing that they are hurting the next generation to come.

I hope this finds someone some peace, and they pass it on. We need to make this something more people are aware of. If we don't it will just get worse.

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>a mother's love

>For as long as I can remember, my mom has been in the habit of blaming herself for my problems. A week before my thirteenth birthday, she started taking action by abandoning me as soon as she found out that my life was getting rocky.

It's happened again. My life is probably at one of the rockiest points it ever has been, and my mom called me to let me know that once again she blames herself for all of my problems and she won't be seeing me again.

She sent an email too.

Dear Jonquil,
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I think it would be best if I remove myself from David's, Brennan's and your life. I'm a wicked person and I know that. I never intended for there to be problems or to cause problems, but that is what I do to everyone  I come into contact with and I'm sorry.
You all will always be close to my heart and I will always love you all.




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>Life goes on even when our hearts don't.

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This figure demonstrates how one type of MIPS3...Image via Wikipedia
Our family seems to have come down with either the swine flu or some variation of the flu that has the same symptoms as swine flu. Strangely enough Brennan seems to be the one that has been handling it the most effectively, with only some stuffiness to contend with. David and I however have had the full spectrum of symptoms and while they are mild symptoms they are still enough to make you miserable none the less.

Sammy is still missing. I'm starting to believe we will never see him again. If who ever has him was going to return them they would have made some attempt to do so by now, and it's not like it's hard to find out who his owners are. We have posted flyers all over the place, notified Animal Control and the Humane Society, placed an ad in the paper, and even placed ads all over the internet. We miss him so badly. I feel like I will never again love a dog, not anywhere near as much as I loved this one.

Behavioral Science has became a lot easier now that I've gotten past the beginning part. I'm even impressing my instructor with my understanding and knowledge of the material. I'm starting to consider changing my major over to Psychology again. I really enjoy exploring the human mind. There are several things holding me back from changing my major, however. Probably number one is the fact that in order to get anywhere in Psychology I will need an advanced degree and along with that I will need to learn a lot of math, especially when it comes to things like prescribing medication. Math is a sore spot for me and I like to stay away from it as much as possible. I know that sounds funny coming from someone that is in to computers, but the numbers computers use make sense to me when nothing else does, probably because for computers numbers are a theoretical language.


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