I woke up to another surprise this morning, though. Once again he had managed to get in to the bathroom and scatter everything around. At least he didn't fill the toilet up with random items this time. I think it's time that we put a latch on the bathroom door. Evidently our childproof doorknob covers aren't working.
There's a lesson to be learned from all we have been through - there's no such thing as childproof.
He's also gained a fascination with plugs, and will pull them out of the sockets if not kept under careful supervision.
Oh, did I mention he managed to get out of the house the other day? We have all sliding glass doors and he figured out how to open the front door. I heard it open and waited for someone to come in. When no one came in it suddenly occurred to me that Brennan must have done it and there he was... running as fast as his legs would take him down the sidewalk, lol. Needless to say now we keep the sliding glass doors locked. ;)
Still no success with the potty training, too.
My brother wants to produce another documentary, and he wants me to help him with it. I described the racial issues in Palatka, FL and he got interested in covering it. It is now my duty to manage to get the mayor to talk to me about the racial issues here (namely that they're just not discussed though blatantly present) and convince him that this place needs the documentary to help wake the city up. I'm thinking about doing some street interviews to show him how present the issues are, and perhaps presenting my Cultural Diversity class final research paper in which I had to admit that there was no discussion of these issues in our county and I couldn't get any community leaders to discuss them with me as well (including him). I was the only person in my class that was unable to find any discussion of racial issues here, much less the only person that couldn't even get any community leaders to talk about them. Sean (my brother) is confident that I'll be able to do this. After all, we both are the offspring of a father that had tremendous community influence and was active in fighting for human rights and against racism. My brother also feels that my multiracial background will help me to see all the sides of the race debate and break down racial walls. I'm not so sure of myself, but I do know I want to do something to help open people's eyes and I'm willing to give it a shot.
If this goes through, I really want to dedicate it to our father and God. It is going to be through his genes and God's grace alone that we will get this accomplished, and hopefully it will spark a revolution in a city that is long overdue for one.
SAN ANTONIO — The scene was so gruesome investigators could barely speak: A 3 1/2-week-old boy lay dismembered in the bedroom of a single-story house, three of his tiny toes chewed off, his face torn away, his head severed and his brains ripped out.
Officers called to the home early Sunday found the boy's mother, Otty Sanchez, sitting on the couch with a self-inflicted wound to her chest and her throat partially slashed, screaming "I killed my baby! I killed my baby!" police said. She told officers the devil made her do it, police said.
Sanchez, 33, apparently ate the child's brain and some other body parts before stabbing herself, McManus said.
This is a sombering example of what post partum psychosis can do. I noticed some mothers discussing this article and showing hate for this mother. "How could a mother ever do such a thing?" they reasoned. I don't know if they read the full article, which states that post partum psychosis was probably a factor and often is a factor in these kind of gruesome cases, or if they just ignored it. I hope they just didn't read the full article because they were so sickened by the beginning. Post partum psychosis is very real and has a very powerful hold on the woman it affects. It's like paranoid schitzophrenia mixed with the deep depression known as post partum depression.
I want to know why this mother was left alone with her children with people knowing that she had mental and emotional issues. You just don't do this with a woman that's suffering from serious mental and emotional illness! Did anyone tell the family members this? Was she educated about her condition at least and given some phone numbers she could call to talk to someone that would help her at any time she needed someone to talk to?
I'm guessing none of this was done. The hospitals just let her go and said she was fine. Her family members probably didn't have any clue as to what to do to help. Her husband had left her so it wasn't like she had any support at home.
You leave a post partum woman that's mentally and emotionally disturbed alone with no support and several kids... then factor in a husband that's just left her... and you wonder how on earth she could do such a thing, or how such a thing could happen?
Image by prashant maxsteel via FlickrWell, after discovering that Kubuntu loaded my Bluetooth dongle and paired with my phone just fine but just needing to backup my files (still kicking myself for not partitioning the HDD and letting Ubuntu install everything on to one partition), Ubuntu flipped out on me. First it was the constant error telling me that there was not enough disk space when there was 32 gb free. A fscking fixed that, but then my applications menu disappeared. Firefox forgot all my settings. The CD/DVD creator refused to burn any disks. Too much for me to even bother with fixing, so I used the Kubuntu live CD to burn the discs I needed, partitioned the HDD properly (one for home, one for root, one for swap), and installed Kubuntu. I was going to install the new Mepis but realized the new Mepis was really still the old Mepis (scratches head). I expected a lot more improvement in that arena.
This all cost me being a day late on some assignments in my classes. Bleh.
Anyways, I rather like Kubuntu so far. It's my first experience with the new KDE 4, and so far it's been like a weird futuristic version of the KDE 3 I knew. So far I've been busy customizing everything to the functions I had before but I will soon start customizing the interface. I'm looking forward to using KDE again. I remember it as being a very flexible and customizable desktop environment, and so far it looks like they've attempted to keep the customizability but clean up their presentation.
Brennan has finally figured out how to open the sliding glass doors in our apartment, so now we have to keep the doors locked at all times. I wonder what we are going to do once he figures out how to unlock them! He figured it out today and the next thing I knew he was running out the door. I shot out after him faster than I even thought myself capable of ever doing. Somehow ever since I became a mother I've gained this super-speed ability that allows me to be right on top of Brennan in the blink of an eye when there's a problem.
Image via WikipediaIt's funny how as time passes I become more and more thankful for the past being the way that it has been because it has all led me up to where I am now. What seemed to be coincidence when looked at from behind all seems eerily too coincidental, and I can't help but wonder if perhaps God led me here. I can't shake away the feeling that He did.
Then again I can never shake away the feeling that He is having some hand in my life somehow because every time I look back the coincidental doesn't seem all that coincidental and I find myself being a better person because of it. Now I can't really say I'm getting better so much as more successful. It's like I'm finally starting to see the fruits of my labour. Then again, I'm finally labouring and not allowing anyone to get in my way of achieving my goals.
I stayed passive for way too long. I let my love of others override the love of myself and suffered for it. I allowed others to dictate my destiny and walked away with nothing for it.
Most importantly, I gave my love to the wrong people. I understood how to love but I didn't understand that you need to be cautious in how much love you show to people and who you choose to throw it all away to.
I'm in a relationship now with a man that loves me for me. He not in it for what he wishes or thinks I could be but for who I am now and who I have always been (it helps that he's known me since I was 13). He wants me to take care of myself, he wants me to succeed, he wants to help me, he wants to care for me, he wants to love me, he wants to spend his life with me, he even wants to listen to me. All the love I pour in to him and our family actually pays off... I give and receive in return. We understand each other, so we know how to be there for each other. We love each other and know we are in this for life, so arguments always get resolved no matter how mad or hurt or upset we get. We respect each other, so there's no abuse - no verbal abuse, no emotional abuse, and no physical abuse. We're also attentive to each other. We flirt with each other and tell each other we love each other and hug and kiss through out the day. We make sure that every night we have some alone time together to spend time on each other. If one of us has a knot in their back the other one will work it out. If one of us goes to the store we're almost always certain to bring some surprise back for the other. At night, we fall asleep in each other's arms.
Yeah, we're all mushy and gushy and I love it. :D Brennan loves it as well and I think that's why he's turning out to be such a loving and thoughtful toddler. He likes to share anything he has with others, is kind and gentle with animals of all ages, tries to be kind and gentle with other babies and toddlers (his curiosity gets the best of him sometimes), loves to give hugs and kisses, and charms everyone with how happy, smart, and well behaved he is.
Sammy has benefited from us as well. When we got him he was so scared someone was going to hurt him he would pee all over himself. Now he's one of the happiest, friendliest, and most loving dogs you'll ever see. He has absolutely no fear of strangers he and Brennan are best friends.
I've always been the good girl with a bad guy. Now I'm finally the good girl with the good guy and the happy family. I'm not kidding when I say I truly believe that God has had His hand in everything. Had I not gone through what I have, I would not have reformed and became a better person. And I'm certainly not perfect now, which is why I'm sure He will have more lessons for me to learn. But at least now the road will be a little bit easier to take, because I know I don't travel it alone and unsupported. I have the love of my husband, my son, and yes, I'm even going to say my dog, because Sammy is truly a part of the family.
And now I'm trying to help another good hearted woman that has been abused most of her life and is caught in the victim mode. I think we're making progress... she has gone against her significant other's wishes and started looking for work (and even got an interview request her first day looking!). She's looking in to leaving as well. I just hope once she gets free she stays out of the cycle... that's the hardest part. Running when you see the warning signs. Usually because even though you see the warning signs, you care about the person so much that you stay. Maybe you even think you can help them. But the only person that can help them is themselves. That's the cold, hard truth. It won't happen until they're ready for it and most importantly when they want it to happen.
I am so thankful I have the family I do. I prayed to God for years for this kind of love and happiness, and my gratefulness to Him for answering those prayers does not stop from the time I wake up in the morning with Sammy snuggled against me to the time I go to sleep at night and wrap my arms around David.
I've been pleasantly surprised by my new Motorola Clutch i465. I spent my first few days hating it - or rather, hating Boost Mobile for intentionally blocking downloads from the internet and leaving the default applications leaving much to be desired. I have GPS but the only preloaded application for that costs $10 a month. I have no instant messengers. The default browser blows. There's also no memory card slot so your only choices are getting a data cable or using Bluetooth to transfer files. Oh, and Motorola Tools doesn't support the Clutch... so you can't sync, either (to my knowledge... I use Ubuntu so I didn't delve too deep in to that one).
For its credit, it does have a camera and video recording capabilities. I haven't tested out the video yet, and the camera isn't anything fancy but it works. You also have a QWERTY keypad that is surprisingly easy to use. There's hands free mode, GPS capabilities, email, scheduler, alarm clock, etc.
There's a way of fixing what is to be desired on the Motorola Clutch i465. First, it's called LifeInPocket. This gives you free GPS services including a directory of local stores, gas stations, restaurants, motels, etc. and directions on how to get to them. There are also links to Facebook, Yahoo instant messenger, and Myspace's WAP pages.
How do they do it? Since this is an iDEN phone, you probably have the option of downloading applications through the network that you've purchased. On a Boost phone, that's located under main menu > Java Apps > Download Apps.
Now here's something else.
This iDEN content uploader will upload a zip file containing a jar file and a jad file to your Dowload Apps folder if you put in your area code and phone number (just numbers, no spaces).
This makes it possible to install Opera Mini for Mobile. You need the jar and jad file zipped up... the file name is omini.zip. You can get it from BoostStuff.
Right now I'm working on getting some messengers on here. I'll update you on that once I get it accomplished (or give up trying, hahaha).
Bluetooth has been sticky on Ubuntu 9.04 Jaunty. My Bluetooth dongle is detected, but the default Bluetooth application never pops up. If I force it to come up it doesn't find any devices. However, in terminal the device works and detects my phone and its MAC address. Using this I can get BlueProximity to detect my phone, but that's the only application I've found in the repositories that allows you to input the Bluetooth device's MAC address rather than attempting to detect my Bluetooth dongle and failing for some strange reason (I think there may be some incompatibility with BlueZ and my particular Bluetooth dongle or something). I would love to use MultiSync.
I'm getting absolutely no help in the Ubuntu forums whatsoever.
So anyways, I'm making progress despite Boost's attempts to force you in to buying their applications only and complete silence on the Ubuntu forums.
Look at all those teeth!
Image by Jari Schroderus via FlickrI've been asking around for advice on potty training. So far what I've gathered is:
- Let Brennan watch us use the bathroom.
- Make sure he sees what we did in the toilet.
- 20 minutes after drinking something, first thing in the morning, whenever we think he's going to have a bowel movement, every hour, and after naps encourage him to use the potty.
- Make "sss" noises to encourage him to go and lots of praise.
- Do this for about 3 minutes and if he doesn't do anything keep trying.
- Eventually he might start making "sss" noises to indicate he has to use the potty.
- Give it time. He'll catch on when he's ready for it.
Image via WikipediaRecently Shannon's 3 year old James has gotten Brennan in to Hot Wheels/Matchbox cars. There's just one problem. Those cars are for ages 3 and up, and Brennan is too young to play with them without careful adult supervision.
Tonka comes to the rescue!
They have a whole set of squeezably soft, age appropriate (1+) small vehicles along with a garage and firestation and even bigger vehicles that are just as soft and make noises when you squeeze them. Brennan loves them just as much as the Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars! You can browse them here.
Image via WikipediaToday I think I may have done the right thing by helping a woman that was in trouble. According to her boyfriend had a physically abusive past with her, he was verbally and emotionally abusive to her, cheated on her all the time, and tried to pull the kick you out overnight stunt despite her name being on their lease.
He came over and yelled at me. *sighs*
We also went to the springs today. Brennan cried as soon as his feet touched the water because it was cold, so we spent most of our time switching him off so we could play in the water. His new Goldbug 2-in-1 monkey backpack child safety harness came in handy as we could let him run around and have some freedom while still keeping him close. It also prevented us from having to chase him down if he got loose from holding our hands. He had a ball chasing the buzzards and squirrels that were around the spring.
Oh god that water was freezing.
Anyways, I thought I might get some negative comments about using a child safety harness with him, but so far I've gotten nothing but compliments on how cute it is and how smart it is. I think it's because people see we're not using it to be lazy - we take him around holding his hand like you normally would, using the harness itself as backup in case he wiggles free (which he manages to do sometimes -_-;). Then if we're in an open and safe area we'll use it to give him the freedom to move around without there being any chance of him running off on us (boy, can those legs run and does he do it often!).
He hasn't shown any problems with it. He absolutely loved it from the moment he saw it in the box. The great thing is once he's bigger it converts in to a little backpack he can use to store whatever he wants (I can't remember what age it happens at, but most young children go through a phase where they like being able to carry items with them).
He still hasn't used his Safety 1st Nature Next potty yet though. :( I keep hoping the day will come soon...
Image by jmtimages via FlickrWhy do so many people "strongly disapprove" of Barack Obama right now? He's just 6 months in to his very first presidency! Would you expect yourself to be an expert at a completely new job just 6 months in to it? I don't think so...
Why not instead of looking at everything he's fumbling with right now, look at the beginnings of what he's doing right. Obama has made it extremely easier to obtain an education right now, and there's been a raise in the Pell grant's maximum payout. Do you realize how long education has taken a backseat in our government? Way too long. With the economy the way it is now, the working class person is getting exterminated. Obama is trying to give these people a way out - a career - in order to weather the storm that is raging. You've also got to think that the more people that get careers, the more money is going to get saved on welfare related services - and at the same time, there will be more money available in the national budget as more tax money is flowing in from those people working better paying careers. Then we might actually be able to afford a medical system in the U.S. that makes sure no one gets left behind.
I'm no expert at politics, and I'm sure there's going to be a lot more reform needed in order to get to that form of medical care here, but I do think that making education more accessible and encouraging the public to earn more money (and therefore more tax dollars and less dependence on the government for financial aid) is the beginning of the right way to go.
Give the guy a break. He got something majorly right in his first 6 months as the guy that pushes the red button. Many of us may think we could do the same in that period, but we've never been in that position, and you can be pretty sure it's a very tough position to be in. He's not king. He's got other people there, and he has to hear their opinions, their comments, their advice, their reasoning, etc. and find a common string through all the ruckus to figure out what the people want. He's a negotiator, not a dictator. And if you've ever tried to negotiate with a group of people with all their own agendas... you have had a glimpse of how tough it can really be.
So come on. Give Obama a break, and let him try to do his job for a while before you start to judge and criticize.
Image by Roby&C. "Back" via Flickr
She devoted years to caring for her mother, who died at age 101. Then Maria del Carmen Bousada embarked on a quest to become a mom herself. She lied to a California fertility clinic to skirt its age limit, and later pointed to her mother's longevity as a reason to expect she'd be around to care for her kids.
How sad. But it just goes to show... we never know when we will die. Live each day to the fullest.
My prayers will be with her sons. Hopefully they will be placed in a home that at least comes close to being as loving as I'm sure the home this woman offered to them was (I mean, come on, she was 66, she wanted a child so badly she was willing to go through all the risks at her age to get one).
My final check was all of $8.53. Yay. Just enough to buy some rope to hang yourself with.
Image by Pink Sherbet Photography via FlickrI've given up on trying to get chores done and chase Brennan around at the same time. Today I alternated between doing chores with him in his room and letting him run around the house. We have to shut the door now. Did I mention that yet? I think I did. I'm wanting to get a baby monitor now because we have to shut the door. One with a camera and monitor would be nice.
My student loan refund will be coming in soon, so maybe I'll use some of that to get one. Right now we've got some catching up to do on bills. McDonald's rather screwed me with 11 hour schedules before they fired me, so we only got up part the rent and the electric bill is due now. Soon David will be getting good pay checks though so we should get caught up quickly.
I think I'm going to wait around for the right job. I don't know what that right job is yet, but I do think I'm going to be more careful about my next employer now that we can afford it and I don't have to just scramble for the first job I can grab.
The job market is slow, so it may be a bit of a wait, but if we can do it, I'm wanting to do it.
We really need a second car. But unfortunately my student loan will only cover so much, and my laptop has gotten pretty beat up among other things. It'll probably happen in the next refund round though.
Classes this round are more grueling than I thought they would be. The LAN Technologies class is easy so far for me but the Leadership class is tough. I'm not a business woman. At least, not the conventional one.
Looks like we're going to be getting a bonus on Pell grants as well. Check out the links below to find out more (don't worry, I don't get paid for them, I just hand pick them out of a list of related articles if they interest me to share with you all :) ).
Image by drp via FlickrThere are strange things I do when I'm feeling anxious.
To do lists. Contact lists. Every list you can think of, I'm updating and organizing and checking it off. It helps me feel in control when I feel like everything is spiraling down. I'm all about organization and... I hate to admit it... I tend to get anorexic. Not on purpose, but it's like I lose my appetite, my stomach stays upset, I throw up, etc. and it makes it impossible to eat hardly anything. So I take multi-vitamins. I drink and eat the most nutrition packed stuff I can manage to get down so I can combat the toll it takes on my health.
And so it goes, on and on until I'm dragging myself out of bed each day fighting back the inevitable breakdown.
It's lost me jobs. Good jobs. It's lost me relationships. Good relationships.
I live my life in fear. I may control it and do ok for a while, but it comes.
So I take medication. Paxil was my first saving grace. Paxil CR was the best but it was a little bit too much the best I think... it was the most likely to make me go on a manic crash. I thought my problem was my depression, and my depression was what made for all the panic attacks and meltdowns and just straight out nervousness and anxiousness. On Paxil I at least felt better, and my social anxiety went down. But I still worried about everything else. I would list and plan and control myself out of existance... and crash. The stuff stopped working, I would repeatedly quit taking it because of this.
I went through quite a few abusive relationships. I don't think this helps. I also have a history of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I don't think that helps either. And my mom has been diagnosed with everything from Bipolar Disorder to Panic Disorder to Anxiety Disorder to PTSD to Borderline Personality Disorder. So yeah, it was tough growing up. She went to the hospital a lot and I didn't understand why. She did a lot of things to me and I didn't understand why she did them. I understand now. Now I'm trying to make sure my son doesn't witness half of the things I witnessed.
Next was Paxil and Abilify, through the recommendation of a doctor that believed I may have Bipolar Disorder. Abilify zombified me. I walked around like a robot. I felt like a robot. I quit taking it and went to the local behavioral health clinic.
They diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder too, even though I tried to express to them that I felt anxious. I think they thought I was drug seeking at first because the drugs used to treat Axiety and Panic Disorder have addicts hooked on them. But the doctor finally believed me when I began complaining about panic attacks again. I guess I should have told him about the other stuff but I found it so hard to talk about it with anyone. It was my secret affliction. Doctors had tried to figure out why I had so many stomach and back issues and blackouts and failed. My pediatrician taught me to guide myself through panic attacks but that didn't help with the fact that they still happened and they were embarrassing.
When I first took Klonopin, nothing happened. I was on 0.5, and within a few days I had another panic attack. So my dosage was increased to 1mg, and the first thing I noticed was every knot in my back disappeared. Like magic. And I felt normal. Really normal. I worried about stuff but I didn't obsess about it. But I had a problem... the place I worked. It was still triggering panic attacks... I went through a lot of verbal and emotional abuse.
Now I'm at home. I don't know if I will pursue another job at this point. David is doing well and I really want to make sure if I go back to work that I won't have another panic attack or blackout.
Why am I writing this? Well, partially to give to my doctor. I think he needs to know all of this. And partially to give my story on what it's been like to live with panic attacks and anxiety. Maybe someone else out there will relate, and show this to their doctor. If you have this condition, you need to get treated. There are methods of calming yourself during a panic attack... breathing through your nose then out your mouth.... counting breaths and trying to slow them down... and then there's the good old fashioned breathing in to a paper bag trick. There are also treatments that can help prevent you from having panic attacks. I don't know if I've hit on the right one yet but I will keep trying. If you feel you may have one of these disorders, you should do the same.
Image via WikipediaToday we finally got the Nissan Sentra fixed. The problem turned out to be something tiny - a pin was loose on the pressure switch. That resulted in the car not starting - no clicking, nothing.
Brennan is getting increasingly stubborn about having his own way. He's a sweetheart most of the time, especially when he has an audience, but then there are those dark times he will absolutely will not listen and get in to as much trouble as he can. Those are the times he spends a lot of time in his room because it's always my final resort when he just won't cooperate. Plus we can't use the gate any more because he climbs over it. Arghhh. It makes me feel like such a bad parent when I put him in his room and shut the door but I don't know what else to do when he gets unmanageable. And it used to work - a few minutes spent playing on his own usually cured whatever bug bit him. But now it's no use - I let him back out and he's right back at it again. So the entire day is spent chasing him around keeping him out of trouble and letting him back in and out of his room. Arghhh. Is there a better way? If not, will it end soon?
He's been pulling his diaper off for a while now and I'm told that means he's ready to start potty training so we've been letting him watch us in the bathroom but he seems to have no interest in it. I guess the next thing to try will be a potty chair and a potty training doll. The best thing to probably do is just wait for him to show interest in doing it, though. In the mean time we need to start making sure he goes to bed with pants on so he can't take off his diaper in the morning.
Image by Philipp Klinger via Flickr
Dear non-panic disorder sufferer,
There are some things I want you to know about me and my condition.
I am not necessarily shy, that's not what having a panic disorder is. I am an outgoing person who often feels trapped inside a wall of fear. I get really angry sometimes because what I feel like is the real me is trapped behind my anxiety. I probably want to be affectionate and laid back and fun at any given time but you make me nervous. It's not your fault, it's just people- it's nothing you do or did. I can only become desensitized to people by spending a lot of time with them and even then sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, with some people, it works right away.
I know that what I'm afraid of isn't real. I know that the threat is an illusion and that I'm not really going to get hurt, but my body is telling me otherwise. I try to talk myself out of it but "fight or flight" is one of the most basic and powerful instincts of the body, and it doesn't always listen.
I am working really hard to combat my anxiety disorder. Some days I start to give up because I've been fighting for so long and it doesn't seem to change, or I make progress and then I backslide. It's inevitable that I get depressed and may not seem to be working to help myself. Having an anxiety disorder is really hard and I promise I'm doing what I can. Much of the fight that goes on with my condition happens inside the head, so while it might not seem like I am trying to help myself, I am.
I am constantly exhausted. If your body went through intense terror each day (or sometimes, just from time-to-time) and then crashed, you'd be exhausted too. I have to make myself move when I am crashing and sometimes I just have to sleep. My body doesn't present that as an option; it's just an order- "You. Sleep. Now". Sometimes I don't get things done because I am tired. Please don't get mad at me if I don't always do everything I am supposed to do- it can be a real struggle to do little things that most people don't think twice about, like walking into a store, running errands, sometimes even leaving my house.
Some of my behavior might seem pretty odd at times. I might make someone go with me to places I ought to be able to go to alone because I need a "safe" person there. I might come off as clingy and dependent on others, but my reasoning is not what you might assume- "safe" people are our anchors to sanity. Real or not, we assume we can count on them to help us if we become terrified, and that can make the difference between fleeing a place or being able to stick it out. We develop triggers in specific places and that place, as innocuous as it might seem to you, scares me to death. I don't want to feel that way; it's embarrassing, but I do. How would you feel if you were terrified out of your mind in a place or around a person you know is harmless in your heart?
I try many things to combat my anxiety. If you've heard about a technique, I've probably heard about it. I've tried meditation, yoga, acupuncture, keeping active, positive self-talk, cognitive behavioral therapy, regular therapy, and medication, among things. I've probably tried lots of different medication. Anxiety disorder (and depression, since the two are linked- you'd be depressed if you had an anxiety disorder) often get treated with strong medication, and strong medication has side-effects. When I am trying new medications I might be "off" and irrational. Please forgive me, it's not me, it's the meds. Also, some meds make me extra tired or dizzy or any number of other things that aren't my normal or desired state. Most medication used to treat anxiety is something the body becomes immune to over time, so the dosage must be increased. So, occasionally I may relapse when I am not expecting it. I don't necessarily know the cause.
Please don't make fun of me when I am experiencing a panic attack- it's horrible enough without you ridiculing me. You wouldn't be laughing if you were the one whose body was revolting in fear. I'm not making anything up, I'm not trying to use panic attacks as an excuse not to do things, and I surely don't want to be a burden on you or effect your life negatively. Knowing I sometimes am and sometimes do adds to the misery of the condition. What I really need is for you to let me hold your hand or your arm tightly at times, and to humor me and just tell me it isn't real and I don't have to be scared, even if it's the millionth time you've said it. Tell me you'll protect me and I might just believe you, because I want to so badly. I want to be tough and independent and in control, but something (psychological and chemical) inside of me won't let me be free.
Panic disorders are almost always genetic and are chemically related, though they're often triggered by a traumatic event. Before realizing what is happening to us, most panic disorder sufferers go through a terrible period of thinking that we're dying when we're having a panic attack, or that something terrible is about to happen to us, etc. It's impossible to understand when it first happens, unless someone is there to warn you. There usually isn't.
Many of us live in terror of letting other people know we're freaking out, so while we might seem normal, in control, and calm, our insides are often a different story. It's ok to tell us we seem stabler or more confident- we'll appreciate you noticing. Just know that sometimes it might be an illusion, sometimes true one day but not the next. Acting like it's a result of something we didn't do is a double-blow, the first one being our own senses of failure for not being able to just "tough it out", "grin and bear it" etc.
Sometimes, just walking into a room by ourselves is the accomplishment of the day. Sometimes, we could lead a parade. Please, give us the credit for living with something so tough and managing to do anything. Please, just support us and help us, and listen to us. It's natural to get annoyed sometimes, but if you're annoyed, we're probably beating ourselves up because we're a self-critical lot. That's part of how we got this way, by being too self-aware.
We are trying to win the battle, but some days we just want to give up.
Thanks, and we love those who help us,
Your friend with Panic DisorderPanic Disorder Facebook group
Image via WikipediaToday has been quite a day already and it's only 2:00 p.m.
This morning I woke up to Brennan with poop all over himself and his playpen (he hasn't quite adopted to the transitional toddler bed yet). So I had to give an emergency bath to a kicking and screaming toddler. Not fun.
I made this a major cleaning day so it's been spent sweeping, mopping, scrubbing walls, dusting, organizing, picking up Brennan's room, you name it. I even moved the dead TV David keeps on meaning to move but never has the energy for after work. Most of this was accomplished while having to get on to Brennan because he was running loose through the house getting in to trouble. I'm proud of myself. :D
I'm also all caught up on my classes since I got behind due to that internet outage. Yay!
Image via WikipediaToday we had a HUGE scare.
Brennan was pitching a fit for his lunch. Sammy was begging to go out and had already had an accident on the floor. So I let Sammy out, made sure he was going to the right spot to poop, and attended to Brennan. Well the next thing I know my neighbour and the woman that owns the vegetable stand down the road are knocking on my door telling me Sammy was down by the street and a woman in a blue Blazer picked him up. I freaked out because I'm always scared someone is going to steal Sammy, either because he's a $900 dog (cockapoo) or because he's so friendly and loving.
Fortunately the woman was trying to keep him from getting hit and wanted to get in contact with us to return him.
I am so relieved. That dog is like a part of the family. I will never again pull a stunt like I did and threaten his well being.
She's on her way right now to return him. I am so eternally grateful. I would state her name here but I'm not sure if she would want her name posted on the internet or not, even if it was to show my gratitude. :)
What a beautiful woman, though.
Image by pupok via Flickr
Brennan has been a little devil the past few days. He's been getting in to everything he knows he's not supposed to every chance he gets and throwing a temper tantrum because he can't have it. I guess we're making progress in to the terrible two's.
I've been feeling much better. I think my panic attacks may have been brought on by the abusive environment I was working in and the stress of going two weeks with only 22 hours. I don't know yet if I'm going to start looking for another job. If I do I'll probably look to waitress a few days a week because I really don't want to put Brennan in day care and I must admit I'm rather distrustful of babysitters. I don't know if it's a mom thing or what but I worry about Brennan being placed in the wrong hands. The "wrong hands" means someone that won't take the same kind of care of him that we do - not necessarily someone that will abuse him.
I must admit I'm very specific about Brennan's care, right down to what he eats. I just want to make sure he gets the best care possible. Sweets are a rare treat, juice and water are his staple drinks (along with milk of course), and he gets plenty of grains, fruits, veggies, and meats that are rich in Omega 3s. He's allowed to run around the house so I can teach him what is ok to mess with and what's not ok to mess with, and he's only put in his room with a safety gate up when I can't keep an eye on him or he just needs some time to play alone or a few minutes in his playpen if he's getting in to a lot of trouble. I teach him how to play with his toys, I go over words, letters, colors, shapes, and numbers with him. If he reaches for a book he always gets read to (I've tried the every day thing but it's worthless unless he's actually interested in hearing a story). I sing and dance with him and he gets lots of cuddles and rough housing and kisses. Oh, and I take him out for walks so he can explore the world. Unfortunately I can't keep him clean all the time because of his rambunctious activities but I have learned the trick of taking a baby wipe to him several times a day (Thanks, Shannon!). Most importantly, I talk to him. We have entire conversations. I may not understand what he says but he doesn't seem to mind one bit.
I love him. Can anyone love him as much as his mother?
Today Brennan mastered the flashlight. He knows how to turn it both on and off. He also took apart his sippie cup, which involved unscrewing the lid, taking the straw out, and taking the plug off the straw. Still haven't found the plug and I can't even seem to figure out how he managed to get the straw out because I can't get it back in. Yet he still refuses to even attempt to eat with a spoon and prefers using his fingers instead, even though he has thoroughly shown he has the motor skills to do it. -_-;
Assist him? Oh no. He pitches a temper tantrum if you try to guide him through it. He's very much the I'll-do-it-myself-er.
The safety gate isn't very much effective any more either since he's learned to climb it. We're teaching him not to but he still has his defiant moments.
I'm thinking about getting back in to Mary Kay. Not sure about it, though. Still... it would be a means of earning a little extra money on the side and I could even take Brennan with me on house calls (my little mascot, hehe).
Right now I'm sitting here hoping he'll take his 1:00 p.m. nap. It's not looking like it's going to happen.
Oops, no, it happened. :)
Now I'm off to get some work done I couldn't get done otherwise. ;)
Image via Wikipedia
I called McDonald's main office today and was told that I would be called back by either TJ or Mike. *crosses my fingers*
I don't really want my job back. That place was hell to deal with and I believe it was the reason for my panic attacks returning. However, I do want them to realize that I was wrongfully terminated and an apology would be nice as well. You don't fire someone because they're sick after you've already excused them for being sick. You also don't do it over their voice mail.
I'd also like the main office to know what kind of an abusive environment that place is to work in.
My grandma ended up answering the question of why my cockapoo dog Sammy keeps peeing and pooping in Brennan's room every time he gets the chance. The morons at Yahoo Answers said it was because he felt he dominated Brennan and felt aggression towards him. This is a cockapoo, not a pit bull, and it's a very loving cockapoo that is crazy about Brennan (and likewise). They're also both the "babies" in our family and we treat them like two kids. My grandma's answer was this: Sammy loves Brennan so much that he's marking his room as his territory to guard. This makes a whole lot more sense.
From now on if someone asks me to tell them about myself I'm going to tell them I'm delightfully mad.