>thinking some more…

>I would either like an assisted home hypnobirth with a midwife in attendance or a birth center with minimal pain medication (basically, just something to help lessen the pain rather than numb me or make me disorientated). Oh, and I'm kind of curious about water birth. That's pretty much it, lol.



>If you haven't already, scroll down to the bottom of the page and check out what the pregnancy ticker says now.
I can now recognize Mommy's mood swings from the distinct sound of glass breaking and maniacal screaming.


>what I want when the time comes

Hypnobabies | No pain for mommy. No drugs for baby
Yes! These are babies whose parents choose to easily and naturally prepare for childbirth using the Hypnobabies method of Hypnotic Childbirth, which teaches real medical hypnosis techniques, creating an automatically peaceful, relaxing and more comfortable pregnancy, a calm confident Hypno-Daddy, and an easier, fearless and often pain-free birthing for our Hypno-Mom.Hypnobabies is a complete childbirth education course that also teaches Gerald Kein’s famous Painless Childbirth techniques to Hypnobabies mothers so that they can enter hypnosis, deepen it themselves and remain mobile during labor, completely comfortable at all times. Our Hypno-babies have no drugs in their systems when they are born, and are able to nurse, breathe well and interact with their happy parents immediately. Our goal - No drugs for Baby; No Pain for Mommy.

I really, really want to do this for starters....

What else I want:

  • soft lighting

  • minimum noise and distractions

  • comfortable, non-medical surroundings

  • David, of course, lol

  • Mom

  • 3 people in the room or less, maximum 5 people

  • no recording devices (cameras, video recorders, etc.)

  • no one touching or talking to me unless I request it

  • the ability to move around freely, no stirrups, no being forced to lay back on a bed

  • nothing that is not medically necessary (no stirrups, no probes on the baby, no breaking my water manually, etc.)

  • the scents of lavender and vanilla (either on me or in the room)

  • something soft and fluffy (like a pillow, blanket, stuffed animal, etc.)

  • the ability to go through labor and birth at my own pace with no one rushing me

  • soft, soothing music of my own choice

I will probably add on to this, so stay tuned. ;)


>bah humbug

>I know this is normal, but jeez, I have been feeling so depressed lately about being pregnant.

It starts with not being able to do half of the things I used to be able to do, or not feeling up to it. Things that used to be enjoyable have became so much work for me that I barely want to bother with them any more. Then when David wants me to do something I can't do it/don't feel like doing it I get upset with him first for expecting me to and then later on get upset with myself for not being able to. I get upset because he doesn't understand what I'm going through. I get upset with myself because I expect him to understand what I'm going through and/or because I don't just do it and pretend everything is ok even when it's not just to keep him happy so at least one of us is ok. I get upset because I see him so upset and confused and distressed and I know I'm making him that way. I get upset with him because I wish he would realize that I'm just going to be plain psycho right now and I just want him to comfort me and reassure me that it's going to be ok, that I'm going to be ok, that we're going to be ok instead of getting angry and/or upset and then turning his back on me. I get upset because I even begin to expect him to do that and not get upset/hurt by me - it's plain out selfish. I get upset because I don't understand myself and I can't seem to control myself. And I get upset when I look at us in the emotional shape we currently are and wonder how on earth we're going to manage being parents. I'm scared we're not going to be able to handle it. I'm scared he's going to leave me or stop loving me and just put up with me because he feels he has to. I'm scared we're not going to do a good job. I'm scared of the level of dedication I feel to this child's well being and how that may end up turning in to me leaving him with or without the child depending on who is causing the problems or turning the child over to someone else's hands because neither one of us are suitable parents. I'm scared I'm going to end up being yet another mom who stays at home (or god forbid, works AND does everything at home) and struggles to care for her child and her immature and careless husband. I'm scared of being a bad mom. I'm scared of being the immature and careless one that puts everything on David. And the list goes on...

And sometimes all of this goes through my head and I start to wonder if this all isn't just one big huge mistake. And that depresses me as well because I don't want it to be, but what if it is? What if this is the straw that destroys our relationship because we weren't ready for it? And I panic and I just want to stop everything and reverse it. And then I feel guilty for even feeling that way. Bleh.

I don't really want to stop and reverse things, but I do want to stop feeling so crappy and moody. All common sense and logic tells me that this is all in my head, and I know how silly a lot of it is, but that has no effect on my hormones and I can't seem to control myself.

I talked to Grandma about this, and she said that me, David, Uncle Steve, and Aunt Tebeth should get together, lol. Evidently they're going through the same thing as well. That at least helps me feel a bit better about it, at least for now while I'm not in the midst of a hormonal rush. :P


>Toshiba, you quite simply *SUCK*

>The other day I decided to finally install the sound drivers for this Toshiba Satellite so as to stop the annoying motherboard beeps that XP blared at me every time it felt the need to make sound. The only driver I could find for the sound was only compatible with AMD chipsets. Puzzled, I installed SiSoftware Sandra and took a look at the chipset, expecting to see your average Intel chipset number. Nope, the chipset was some Toshiba branded model.

Let me repeat - it was Toshiba branded. Uh-huh. Since when did OEMs start manufacturing their own chipsets? Maybe I'm just out of the loop, or maybe I just never noticed it before with laptops. That's reasonable...

So I hop over to Toshiba's website to download the what turns out to be non-existent sound driver. It's bad enough they only have Vista drivers for this model, but to top things off they don't even have a Vista sound driver available on the website. Which means you absolutely have to use the pre-installed OEM version of Vista in order to have functioning sound (or, of course, install a Linux distro).

I've never in my life seen such serious lock-in. Non standard chipset and no driver support beyond the OEM installed OS. WTF?

So I start typing up an email to one of my friends in order to tell him the story of what was going on. At the time I found it amazing, hilarious, and also extremely annoying. I wanted to see if he had ever ran in to the same problem.

The screen froze, so I rebooted. No post on boot. So I pull the battery pack out and leave it for a while. Come back, and now the BIOS is showing me a password screen. *sighs*

I start searching for something telling me how to reset the BIOS. Sorry, nope, not going to happen. The only thing I can pull up is that it has to be taken to a stupid Toshiba service center in order to reset the BIOS. I go back to Toshiba's website. Low and behold, it's a known issue. They won't charge you to fix it, thank God, but you do have to go to one of their service centers to get it fixed. Of course, there's none to be found around here. Oh, and the BIOS update was older than the laptop itself. -_-;

Toshiba has been completely marked off my list of decent companies. Not just because of that one event but because of the entire series of events that have been one headache after another thanks to their lack of support and secretiveness about their products. Get it together, you morons.

Now I'm on a Dell Inspiron. Hopefully this will behave much better. I'm already glad that Dell provides both XP and Vista drivers on its site, is Ubuntu-friendly, and actually has a decent knowledge base.


>it finally happened…

>Today I went clothing shopping and I noticed something odd...

I don't have a belly button any more! The shape is still there but the depth is absent. It's not an outie but it is strangely gone, a smooth round circle on my stomach rather than a hole. I came very close to crying in the dressing room just because the sight was so strange. I know it's normal at this point but it still was so freaking weird to see it on my body.

I've also finally resigned myself to the fact that I simply am not going to get huge (big stomach and breasts). Part of me is relieved but another part of me wishes I would get the classic pregnant look that Heather has going on. Meanwhile I know if I did get that big I would probably be saying I wish I was smaller and be crying about being fat, lol. There actually was a period of time where I thought I was way bigger than I should be and was crying about being fat, lol. It still kind of stinks though that when wearing a hoodie, t-shirt, or other loose fitting type tops you still can't tell I'm pregnant. :(

It's pretty amazing now how the baby has started showing me its preferences and how aware it is of things going on outside. It wiggles like crazy when I eat something it likes... if I get hungry and don't eat something immediately it starts kicking me to let me know it's hungry, too, lol. I even know exactly when it wakes up. :)


>christmas afterthoughts

>There were a few interesting things that happened this Christmas... the most profound probably being the following statement I made to one of my friends:
And sometimes you've just gotta accept some of your family isn't going to want to spend time with you on Christmas/Eve. Yah, it sucks, but it happens to just about everyone. I haven't spent one single Christmas with my mom since I was 16, and have never spent a Christmas with my stepdad. I tried to get something arranged with them this year and they blew me off. You can get pissed about it, but what good does that do you? Now you're all pissy and it hasn't changed anything, everything is still the same, only you're feeling crappy when you could be getting on with your life, having fun, and being happy about what you *do* have on Christmas. Christmas isn't supposed to "be" any particular way, that's just an idea the media shoves down your throat so if you've got money you'll spend more and more of it trying to make things the way they're "supposed" to be. It's a celebration of winter, period (and other things depending on your religious background). It's yet another time of year where you should be grateful for what you've got and thinking of those who have less.

However, interestingly enough, I still found myself missing them today, and almost succumbed to tears at one point. I wasn't angry with them... I just missed them. You can't stop that. You can stop the anger, but you can't help missing your family. And that's what I think I was missing when I first initially made that post on my friend's blog when she was blowing off steam about her sister's lack of interest in spending Christmas with her.

Despite that weak moment, though, I still managed to have fun today. We hung out at David's grandparents with his big brother and his girlfriend (who incidentally is also pregnant, 1 month ahead of me, and positively gorgeous). Christmas Eve we did one of our favorite things - wandering around downtown and seeing what new stuff we could dig up. This time we found a restaurant that serves up traditional German food (which we are going to hit up as soon as they're open) and discovered Earth's Cauldron is still miraculously alive. We were going to go to midnight mass (and my first time in a Catholic church) but I fell asleep as soon as we got home and David didn't have the heart to wake me up, lol. Oh, and we got Yugi-Oh decks... and I'm not really sure why except we're both curious as to what all the fuss is about and a little bored with Magic the Gathering.

There's more, but I'm not quite ready to talk about it yet. There is a girl that I really want to punch ATM though...



>... didn't think so. Now moving on. :)


>randomness, woot

>There is a woman on one of the forums I frequent that is having quite a rough time with the father of her unborn child. I won't go in to the full story but right now this guy is telling her that if she doesn't move to another state with him that it means she's a bad mother and separating him from his baby.

Do I really need to make a rant about this? To me at least, it's pretty clear as day what a jerk-off this guy is. And what is so heart breaking about it to me is how incredibly sweet this woman is... a good guy would be falling all over himself for her.

Why do good women end up with horrible guys? Or vice versa? What is up with that? Ok, so maybe I have some idea of what is really up with that...

Good people have a hard time believing that there are bad people out there.



>I almost forgot to add - if you have anything at all to say to me about the previous post or anything else, now is your chance to man up and comment on it, although I doubt you've got the balls to spit your slime in public.


>it’s time out for another post about daddy

>Once again, please give David a huge round of applause. He has been the sweetest, most patient and supportive guy I think has ever walked the earth. I know it's not just rough for me but rough for him as well, but he still takes the time out to try to make sure I'm comfortable and happy. Last night I was low on something and I didn't know what, and I was starving but I couldn't figure out what I wanted nor what I needed to eat. He kept asking me what I wanted, and to let him know if I wanted/needed anything and that he would go and get anything I wanted/needed. He also checks with me almost every day to make sure that I took my vitamins and that I'm drinking plenty of milk and water. He's also almost always willing to give me a back massage. :) And, well, there's a whole lot more to add to this list but I'm going to keep it short and just say he's making a wonderful father so far and the baby isn't even out in the world yet. God, I love my man!



> (Comcast Cable Communications Inc)

Georgia, Augusta, United States, 0 returning visit

December 22nd 200711:58:44 PMNo referring link
December 23rd 200712:03:05 AMNo referring link

Oh, for Pete's sake, stop being obsessive and just give it up already. The only reason I can come up with you doing this is that you somehow think that by doing so you're causing some major aggravation or trouble for me. I assure you, you're not. Blocking your IP is as simple as cutting, pasting, and then clicking save. You know full and well I'm a stubborn girl as well so it's not like you're going to tire me out. I don't know what you keep expecting to find here. Knowing you, you're probably just wanting to see something like "my life is a disaster" so you can reassure yourself that my life was much better when I was with you and I missed out on so much. Sorry to disappoint, but I am the happiest I ever have been and even if tomorrow I fall flat on my butt it would still be a heck of a lot better than any of the crap I've gone through with you, which is really sad in reflection upon you. You in no way whatsoever have a good heart, and because of that you will never be able to hold up so much as a candle to most other people no matter what they do or have half the promise that they do in their lives - that includes George, because despite what I went through with him and vice versa, we both have good hearts and good promise in our lives. People may not see through the facade at first, but they always do eventually, just as I did. You can't fake a good heart for long.

You can also try to look down on me all you want. Honestly, I don't care, because I think even while you do it you know you're just spitting bile and nothing more. You talk about how you have such a great future compared to mine - what's funny about it is you've been going to school for how long? 4 years? And you still don't have a degree to show for it. Have you ever even been able to hold down a job for more than 6 months? Then you rely on your family and your girlfriend to support you because you claim you can't support yourself. Even without going to school I have done better than you so far in caring for myself, and have done so without anyone's help. And now that I've started (without anyone's help, once again), I have the funny feeling that I will be out and on with my career and my next degree long before you even see your first, doing something I already had the talant and aptitude for.

You're on probation, and you can't even follow the rules when it comes to that. And should anyone say or do anything about you not following those rules, of course you blame them for it rather than yourself. In fact, you're not even capable of writing a logical steam of sentences such as these without using middle school grammar and insults, which really reflects well on your maturity level. You even will go as far as to call someone an idiot just because they know how to do something that you don't. You've been in programming classes for a loooong time and you still only have the most basic computer skills and no basic drive, talant, or skills regarding graphic design and/or video game programming short of just playing video games. That's like pursuing a career in football just because you like to watch it. I won't even go in to the other thing you're wanting to do - somehow I have a feeling the military will either be kicking you out or maybe just maybe actually making a man out of you.

I will not discuss your attitude towards people, either. Let's just leave it at you believe you have every right to own them and every right to keep them faithful to you without actually returning any of it. And since things don't work that way, it pisses you off.

You haven't actually earned or worked for anything in your life, have you? And it shows. And that probably pisses you off too, doesn't it?

My, what a stressful life to lead. A whole world of people and things and situations that piss you off because none of it works the way you think it should, and after all, it should work the way you think it should, because you're god, right? Heh.

I think all those video games rotted your brain as a kid.

There's what I think of you. And omg, it actually makes sense! Now try calling me and David "trailer trash" again. Or, here's one! Try calling me an "idiot" again because you can't figure out how to block an email address and assume that I can't since you can't! That was really hilarious, and I'm glad I forgot to change my junk mail filtering to everything being deleted instead of being delivered to the junk mail folder, because that truly was priceless.

How about "I'm seriously praying you die in childbirth".... that certainly did a lot of damage. I'm sure God is really going to answer that prayer. :P

*shakes my head* Come to think of it, I don't know what the big deal has been. You're just another moron in a world full of morons. I'm going to quit even bothering. You can read about my life all you want. Maybe you'll learn something, ha.


>so now I’m “fat”…

>I guess I should record here what happened yesterday. I went and applied for WIC yesterday and actually got told by their so-called nutritionist that I was fat. I also got haggled about drinking 2% milk instead of skim, not eating meat, drinking a can of soda every once in a while (I normally drink ice water), and eating french fries.

I currently weigh 147 lbs. My BMI is 22.3. You can just look at me and tell I'm not even close to being fat. And the lady that told me this looked like a diet fanatic herself (not to mention talked like one).

She also told me not to gain any weight for the next 2 months.

Don't worry, I reported her. And while she had me ready to start bawling at first I gained my senses later on. It still pisses me off though every time I think of that, and of how many women like me she's probably told the same thing, and how many may have not known any better and actually attempted to stay at the same weight for several months... I don't even like to think of how many may have tried losing weight, or have denied their cravings and then went hungry as a result.

2% milk has 5 grams of fat in 8 oz. Whoopee doo doo. I don't see what the big deal is unless you're trying to diet. Then I can see why one would choose skim milk because, well, every bit helps. But I have been drinking 2% for years without any problems with weight gain. In fact, my diet has pretty much stayed the same except for the following:

I crave french fries and ranch dressing. If I don't get at least a few french fries and ranch dressing when this craving hits, I end up not eating until I do. It's not on purpose, and I have tried forcing myself to eat something else. When I do it just ends up getting thrown away because it tastes like cardboard and makes me sick, not to mention the longer I go without it the grouchier I get. If I get a few french fries in though, I can eat anything else I want. That's how I've been managing this craving without just pigging on on fries.

I have a huge aversion to meat. Everything but seafood. Just smelling it makes me sick a good 80-90% of the time. I manage this by eating other things that have lots of protein in them, such as peanut butter and beans. I normally am not too big on meat anyways so it's not very hard for me to do, in fact, it's pretty natural.

I also have an aversion to white flour. I've been managing this by eating potato bread instead of white bread, which is actually healthier for me anyways.

Other than those things my diet has stayed at the norm, and the norm for me tends to be healthy food - fruits and veggies and whole grains and dairy and beans. I rarely eat junk food, I'm not addicted to frying everything, I don't like a lot salt on anything, and I don't even put much if any butter on stuff and if I do it's freaking yogurt disguised as butter because I like the taste of it better than butter or margarine. I drink ice water all the time, although occasionally I will grab a can of soda as a little treat. It's not like I've never been in to a whole lot of fat and junk food and soda and all that, it's just that I realized I like healthy food better and it makes me feel better. When you realize how good you feel when you focus on good food and let the junk not be a complete no-no but an occasional treat to be treated with all the care you do alcohol it is not hard at all to keep yourself eating healthy.

Oh, and I walk, all the time. I love walking. That's another once you realize how good it makes you feel it's not hard to keep going type thing. If given a choice between driving to the store and walking, assuming I don't have to carry a bunch of bags, walking is always my first choice.

So yahhh... the overweight thing was way out of line. Just because I do not go crazy trying to diet myself to death does not mean I'm unhealthy, and had she done a freaking blood test she would've seen that, since she obviously couldn't just look at me and tell (although I seriously doubt she would've been able to read the blood test either :P). I wish Dr. Bennett could've been there to witness that, he would've hit the roof!

In other news, sleeping is starting to get downright impossible. My sides are sore from having to sleep on them all the time, and my pregnancy pillow is now flat as a board, lol. I've been working on fluffing it back up today, hopefully I'll be able to get it back in to shape. If not, I think I'm going to just go for a regular body pillow.

And that's pretty much it. I'm still having bouts of grouchiness and depression, but that's normal, I know, and I do my best to keep myself from getting down there and when I do I do my best to snap myself out of it ASAP. It's hard to stay positive when you always feel like a beetle that's gotten flipped over on its back, lol. :P



>I seem to have caught a case of the grouchies. Everything is upsetting me, everything gets under my skin, everything is making me cry or yell. I literally don't know what to do with myself because I even get on *my* nerves. To further compound things...

After all this time, Mike is still stalking me. If I tell him to quit he starts complaining that I'm not leaving *him* alone. I've blocked his IP but now he's resorted to using Google cache. By law what he is doing is illegal but I can't report him because Georgia won't take reports over the phone and Florida won't fax a report to Georgia. So I've had to make my sites registered user only. That's my only defense now short of just pulling the plug and disappearing completely from the internet. I'm seriously beginning to think that might be the best thing to do. He might think he's "won" but right now the only thing I care about is protecting our child, and he is showing himself to be a seriously unstable and disturbed soul. George is trying to talk me out of doing that... he says that then I'll just be letting Mike "win"... but in reality, with the attitude he's showing, him winning would be knowing about my life. I already plan on leaving Palatka as soon as possible because right now it's a bad idea that he even knows I live in this town.

Am I crazy for not trusting this guy? I will let you be the judge.
How about you stop being a paranoid bitch and leave me the fuck alone?
Not to mention look up stalking in the law books? Last time I checked
I have the basic freedom to visit any website I choose, type any
opinion I wish, or even dial any number I wish... if you don't like it
well guess what? It's just too damn bad. Oh, and looking back on it,
you're the one who's mailed me, not vice versa so if anything I should
tell you to quit pestering me.

To recap: I'm not stalking you, quit being a drama queen. No, I'm not
going to stop doing whatever the hell it is I'm doing that's bugging
you because.. well... I'm not doing anything.

BYYY the way... I thought my email was blocked eh? You devious trickster you.

Have a lovely, constitutionally protected day!

On 12/17/07, Jonquil <vixenk@gmail.com> wrote:
> Stop stalking me. That includes:
> - phone
> - mail
> - in person
> - computer (instant messaging, email, etc.)
> - broadcast (online profiles, websites, etc.)

Sure sure Jonquil, hence why you made all your posts about backups. Yeah, that was just convenient timing eh?
Again you show your ignorance, there is nothing wrong or illegal about me being on Myspace.. so take your holier than thou attitude and shove it up your ass. Lets not forget you are now pregnant for the SECOND time, unwed, no decent job to speak of, and have the prospective future of your average high school drop out.
And finally, you sent ME the email you dumb bitch, I do not have your stuff and by your own wording that means the matter is closed and you have no desire or reason to contact me again right? Yet... you still do... why? No, thats a rhetorical question you stupid bitch I don't really want an answer... in fact I don't want anymore mail from you ever. I'm just going to go back to praying to whatever is listening that you meet a long, slow, painful, and tragic end. With any luck it will happen after your child is born so your offspring has to grow up dealing with that pain as well. The pinnacle would be it happening DURING your childbirth, maybe you'll both be removed and the world will be a better place or perhaps it will survive and have to carry the guilt that most do when a death occurs during birth. Either way the chaos, discord, and pain it brings to your life will please me greatly as well the thought of what you are in store for that I don't think your obviously short-sighted intellect has begun to grasp.

Now, go fuck yourself and gtfa from me. Better yet go play in traffic for real this time, instead of leaving an attention whore voicemail on my phone.
fuck you

On 11/14/07, Jonquil <vixenk@gmail.com> wrote:
a. I didn't delete your Myspace

b. You're not supposed to BE on Myspace in the first place and if you want to blame anyone blame Myspace for not wanting sexual offenders on their site, or blame the government and the media for making the playground so small. There are sex offenders out there that are following the rules or forced to follow them and there is no reason why you should be an exception. Grow up.

c. If you want to be left alone, leave me the hell alone. Period.

----- Original Message -----

From: Mike Posey

To: Jonquil

Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2007 2:25 PM

Subject: Re:

After you deleted my Myspace, you want to come and try to be mature? I don't have your stuff, eat a dick. I have no desire to talk to you...ever...again. I'm seriously praying you die in childbirth. I want you to leave me the hell alone, which obviously is to hard for you since you seem to want to continue to poke your self into my life and business. Get over me Jonquil and move on, be with your new guy that you're oh so in love with and say the same things about that you said about me, and probably the guy before that and the guy before that. Grow up kid. Grow up and leave me the hell alone.

On 11/14/07, Jonquil <vixenk@gmail.com> wrote:

You know, I thought good and hard last night about whether or not I should even attempt to say one word to you. I figure what the heck though... you should at least know my boundaries.

1. I am not interested in talking to you except in the event that you decide you want to return my things. I don't need you to remind me that this is not possible for whatever reason you finally chose. I do think you need to be reminded that this impossible feat is the only way I will talk to you, period. Return my things, then we'll talk. As far as I'm concerned that's the only "unfinished business" we have left.

2. Should that happen I am willing to talk as long as the conversation is kept mature and in the spirit of developing a friendship, nothing more and nothing less. I am not interested in arguing, insults, gloating, or any of that crap. It's all over, done, and gone, and there's absolutely no point in beating a dead horse.

3. Note that just saying you'll return my stuff isn't going to be a clever way to get me in to a conversation. You say the word and I'm only interested in that time at making arrangements. Only after my stuff is physically in my possession will I be willing to have a real conversation and patch things up.

Finally, I just wanted to tell you congratulations. It looks like we both got what we were finally looking for in the end, and it makes me happy that things have turned out so well for both of us.


>finally! and then finally…

>I have finally got a system working in which I can use my Zen. Unfortunately, a long the way I have found out that it seems the only way I can use it is by dual booting with XP. List of things I tried:

  • native Linux support

  • Wine emulation

  • 98SE USB installation (so I could just boot from USB and go... unfortunately 98SE doesn't like Vista ready hardware it seems)

  • 98SE installation to an old PC (While Zen makes legacy drivers, those drivers are only good for reading media from the device - they will not let you actually write to the device)

On each of these I exhausted Google looking for solutions and even tried some of my own. Not a single one worked, and the only reason I can figure out why is because Creative simply does not want you using their player with any system that doesn't have the newest and greatest DRM on it. I figure it is only a matter of time before they nix XP support.

Shame, shame, SHAME on you, Creative.

On a side note - I really like the Zen. I wouldn't have bothered with all of this if I didn't. But I have found that it's lacking something I really want out of a media player that doesn't seem to be readily available right now - good Linux support. No DRM nonsense, just a media player that works with whatever operating system you throw it in with (so long as there are drivers, and as long as there are users that can access the hardware specs of a device (open hardware), there will be drivers, so the company that makes this wished for player wouldn't even really have to bother worrying too much about having a driver for every system out there). It would make things so insanely simple...

That will probably never happen but a girl can dream, can't she?



>It looks like I'm going to have to install some form of Windows on here because Creative updated the Zen... and it's now incompatible with libmtp. *sighs*

At least I can always dual boot... but I still hate wasting good hdd space. I'm hoping I can manage to get 98SE installed on a thumb drive. If not I'll probably be throwing XP on here because you will pretty much have to hold a gun to my head before I reinstall the copy of Vista that came with this laptop. I do not like that operating system. It's a total waste of just about everything and a heck of a lot less stable than XP. Hello, mini ME. Or should I say big ME? hehe...


>you know who you are…


Leave me alone.


>guess what I got today?

>... Something I've been wanting for a long, long time.

Say hello to the Creative Zen!

It was an early Christmas present from my sweetie. :D



>It looks like I've finally discovered the joys of sciatic nerve pain... :S


>time for an update

>I figured it's time for an update on how things are going... some of it's not so great, some of it is great, so bear with me. ;)

First, the not so great - I can't find any schools that offer online massage therapy training, so that's out. My insurance company informed me my insurance had died after the fact and I received their letter 2 days before my OB appointment. I called my OB and they said with no insurance I would have to pay $70 upfront for my next visit, which I don't have. So I missed that... I also tried going to the health department to apply for Medicaid. I don't have transportation to obtain a proof of pregnancy paper from my OB, so I was hoping they could fax it or that I could get tested at the health department and get it that way. The health department told me that they would not accept a fax from my OB and that they would not test me because I'm so far along and I already have an OB, and of course without it I can't apply for Medicaid. On top of all of this I have been having issues getting the food, privacy, and rest that I need, and the reason why goes into a story I don't care to tell here.

Now for the great news... I found out the state of Florida allows one to apply for Medicaid and food stamps online, which I did. If they take longer than a week to make their decision on my eligibility I have a source obtained from my grandma that can "cut the red tape" for me so I can get everything put through quicker. I had already decided that I would go through the training for medical assisting (something I can take online) just to enable myself to get a better income, vehicle, etc. and go to St. Augustine for massage therapy training, but I had issues with the fact it would mean two years in school for something I don't want to do just to be able to take the two years training for what I really want to do. My girl Shannon suggested to me today that if I had no problems with blood Phlebotomy might be something to look into. Something to look into indeed... the training only takes 165 hours, the income is something like $40,000 a year (even though I'll be happy with $20,000 even), it's a very in-demand career here in Palatka, and the community college here offers classes in it. Score! I hope. ;) It's not what I ultimately want to do but it will enable me to do what I want to do without having to put just as much effort in to it as I will be putting in to what I really want to do (massage therapy). Only issue being I'm not all that sympathetic towards people that hate needles, lol.

The baby is doing well, as far as I know. He/she likes to kick the cat when he's in my lap, lol. I can't wait to see the look on TJ's face when one day the baby kicks him and he feels it, hehe. The baby has also gotten where it responds to other outside stimuli, such as loud noises (kick) and certain foods (usually wiggle, sometimes kick). I still don't "look" pregnant, just fat. I'm hoping that changes over the next month since it will be month 5. I'm getting tired of people saying I don't look pregnant when I know full and well I can't fit into half of my jeans any more and the other half I have to stretch the waist by using a hair tie. I have the round tummy, it just doesn't stick out far enough. :(

I let myself get anemic on accident. I knew it was either my iron or my B vitamins that were low, I just couldn't figure out which. I got my answer tonight when I wolfed down half a can of spinach and then started feeling better, lol. So I'm going to start taking an iron pill regularly with my prenatal. I don't like iron pills for certain side effects but it's a lot better than feeling tired and having palpitations all the time.

Well, that's all for now. Toodles. :)


>Private: Private: there’s always an alternate path…

>Right now I'm trying subliminal messages in order to quit. If that doesn't work I'll move to hypnosis. I would actually prefer hypnosis but I rarely get the chance to have the peace and quiet one needs for a relaxed state, so I'm going with the subliminal thing first since I can listen to it on headphones when ever I want to and don't necessarily have to put myself in to the hypnotic state of mind.

If I start craving more MP3s from these people or something off the wall like that though I'm going to be mad, lol.


>Private: Private: I need help…

>I've gotten fed up. I'm 4 months along now and I still haven't been able to quit smoking based on what my OB advised - cutting back slowly. The problem is I might do good one day and the next I might get particularly stressed and go through a whole lot more... and I've been particularly stressed lately. Failing to quit doesn't help my stress level any more, and it's becoming a viscous little cycle. The closest I ever got to quitting was when I attempted to go cold turkey. I wasn't able to go cold turkey at once but I kept at it, only smoking when I absolutely felt I couldn't stand the withdrawal any more, and it was actually working. I didn't finish but I did at least have myself down to 3 cigarettes max a day. There were other things that helped as well, which I'm going to list here:

  • no ashtrays in the house

  • no smoking in the house

  • no scent of smoke in the house

  • no mention of my quitting or smoking - believe it or not saying something about it will make me crave a cigarette, and chiding me for giving in to one smoke is likely to make me smoke more just because after such comments I tend to feel hopeless about my ability to quit

This is where problems come in though... no one wants to give up smoking in the house. David pushes me inside to smoke if it's cold because he's worried about me catching hypothermia. I want to smoke in the cold because that just makes it less desirable and comfortable for me to smoke. If I'm freezing my butt off it's unlikely I'm going out as often to smoke, and if I do it's highly likely I won't finish. Rick chides me about it. And I know none of this is intentionally harmful but in the long run it is. I'm a social smoker, first of all, next I'm a boredom smoker, next I'm a stressed smoker, and next I'm a personal enjoyment smoker. As you can see there are quite a few factors in my smoking that I have to battle. Obviously I can't do anything about stress but I can prevent myself from wanting to smoke just because someone else is, or picking up a cigarette absentmindedly or because I'm bored, or picking one up just because I enjoy the taste, feel, and smell of it. No one seems to understand this though... or care... and I'm starting to run out of hope completely. All I know is that I don't want to have a premature baby, and I don't know what else I can do to achieve this goal except the things I listed above. I've tried just dealing with it and it's not working, I need changes in my environment that encourage me to quit rather than encourage me to smoke. And as more time goes by the more scared I get that I'm just not going to be able to quit and I'm going to go in to premature labor and the baby isn't going to be far along enough to survive. And that thought hurts worse than I think anyone short of a mother can understand. I mean, there are illegal drugs that are less harmful than what I'm doing right now.

I'm killing my baby, and it feels like no one is willing to help me stop.


>ooh I want a DTV set for christmas… not


Oh, yah, it sounds great, doesn't it?

But from what I recall of a debate in the past it isn't...

Guess I'm right.

You might wanna click here and read it.

I find it interesting how the FCC makes absolutely NO mention of this in their introduction to "DTV" (they even try to make it sound like HDTV).




>Today has been one of those really offbeat days. I don't want to get up and do anything but veg out on the couch, all I've wanted to eat all day is french fries with ranch dressing and dill pickles, and the baby will not stop kicking me and wiggling. Silly kid. :P


>“a little wine is good for the heart”

>So here's a confession for you: I drink occassionally. And by that I do mean occassionally... like a half glass of wine every couple of weeks. It started off as an odd, odd thing....

I was craving wine one day. Not just any wine, mind you, but Vintner's White, a local wine made from muscadine grapes that tastes like they just juiced the suckers when they were perfectly ripe. I pined for this for several weeks before I finally gave in to a half glass.

I was worried, so I called up my grandma to ask her about her experiences with alcohol and pregnancy (after 5 kids I figured she knew something :P). It was by her that I was told that not only would a little bit of wine every once in a while not hurt, but that it was actually a *good* thing.

That bottle continued to sit in my fridge, though, until one night I was exhausted, stressed, and swollen and thought another half glass might help more than hurt. Oddly enough, it *did*... it relaxed me like wine tends to do in small amounts, and more importantly it made the swelling in my feet and legs dissipate.

Today I decided to do some research on wine and pregnancy in particular, rather than just alcohol and pregnancy. The reason I did this is because first of all wine is often put in a separate category health wise from other alcoholic beverages, and second because wine drinkers are known to usually be low/moderate drinkers that drink for the health benefits or for the taste and not to get messed up. An interesting link I pulled up:

Women Wine Critics Board

This article is very controversial, and a trip to Google will tell you why... this is the only article I came across that even really explored the subject beyond just saying "no because the effects are unknown".

I've gotten fed up with how many no's there are just because it's unknown as to whether certain things will affect a pregnancy or not. Like OTC medications... there's nice lists of what's ok and what's not ok... with no actual scientific proof to back ANY of it up! I mean, if Tylenol is *really* that safe during pregnancy, why does Tylenol still put a warning on the label about it like every other drug company?

There are even lists of foods that you're not supposed to eat... with not a scrap of proof to back them up.

You can read about what pregnancy will be like at different stages... even have your doctor give you a list of symptoms... and it be nothing like what it's "supposed" to be...

I'm beginning to think that what's safe/not safe during pregnancy just pretty much winds up to relying on your own instincts and using moderation in all things. If all these resources are right, just about everything is dangerous to a fetus and we are lucky we're not born with extra limbs and peanut sized brains. Yet through out the course of history pregnant women have smoked, drank, gulped down raw oysters, and probably a whole lot more I don't know about.... and they *still* popped out healthy babies. Furthermore, I can't count on my hands how many women I know that did "dangerous" things while they were pregnant with no problems... yet I can't even count one woman I know that did "dangerous" things and had problems. In fact, the ones I know that had problems were all women that went by the "rule book", heh.

As for me? I'm confused, split between what my common sense is telling me and what people that are supposed to know better are telling me. I do know one thing, though... the occasional half glass of wine is not any scarier than all the vitamin C that I tend to get eating tons of fruit. Oh, you didn't know about that probably, did you? Large amounts of vitamin C are said to heighten your chances of miscarriage (once again, that's one of the unknowns). Yet, doctors tell pregnant women to get lots and lots of fruit in their diets, and almost all the fruit out there has varying amounts of vitamin C in it. They're also told to get plenty of extra iron despite the fact iron is fat soluable and therefore easy to overdose on.



>and as part of that chronic case of ditziness…

>There was no register link on the login page for Beginnings! :P

Well, that's fixed now. :D